It’s all part of boom, boom, ain’t it great to be crazy in the land of the free and the home of the raves!

In an op-ed piece published in the Wall Street Urinal, former G.W. Bush hatchet man and puppet-master Karl Rove lets us know he thinks President Obama is doing a pretty darn good job in Afghanistan.

“Mr. Obama has acted impressively so far on Afghanistan,” wrote the man affectionately known as Turd Blossom, by the ever articulate 44st POTUS.

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Gee, who knew it would be so easy?

So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

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“Oh, wait…this just in…

“A crap-load of secret documents has just been released on the Internet which suggests war sucks generally and the war in Afghanistan sucks even more than we already know…

“…and Alberto Contador will take his third Le Tour de France victory in four years.”

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Tropical storms and hurricanes are meteorological bullies.

The only difference between hurricanes and human bullies is hurricanes can do real damage.

Human bullies are usually just thugs; insecure brats who act out because of deep, empty holes in their souls. They only time they do any real damage is if they actually gain some sort of power: political or financial.

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And, very often, it’s the same whiners whining about both!

Grow up, people. You are not the only ones on this planet and you don’t have all the answers.

It never ceases to be amazing how white people react with such venom when anyone points out obvious racism.

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Sarah Palin, the former half-governor of Alaska, which can see Russia from its front porch, may be on to something.

We’ve become a nation of such intellectual giants we can only hope, now, to elect presidents in the future based on the number and obsequiousness of words we completely make up.

Forget writing books – I mean really writing books, not having someone else write it. No more, Profiles in Courage. Forget about, The Audacity of Hope.

We’re talking, here, about the audacity of dopes. We’ll just make up words, apply them with malapropitude and may be best mangler win!

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Coincidence?

Hmmm….Did passage of a Wall Street reform bill play any role in any of this? (Maybe it would have if any real reform had been passed.)

Hmmm…did anyone ever see Ringo Starr and Yasser Arafat in the same room at the same time?

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At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

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Quiz: which of these events presents the most disappointment and dread?

Answer: Mama Grizzlies.

(It was a trick question.)

What, exactly, is with the extremist right wing in this country and all the talk of animals and shootin’ guns and teeth-barin’ metaphors?

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HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Suck it, Cleveland. And you suck it, too, New York…losers.

Seriously, let me get his straight. You’re a 25-year-old superstar and you get to pick anywhere to play basketball for lots and lots of money and your choices are Cleveland, New York, Chicago and Miami. And you don’t pick Miami?

Do you realize basketball is played – mostly – in the winter? And, if you have the choice, you’d rather come home to Cleveland, New York or Chicago? Really? Seriously?

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You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

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Question: When Jesus threw the bankers out of the temple and established the US of A, the Pharaoh who let my people go was ruler over which Egyptian country?

Please submit your answers to: www.howcanIbesuchamoron?.com

And don’t worry if you get the answer wrong, you’ll be in the company of just over one-quarter of good, decent, hard-working Americans who don’t know from which country this particular country declared its independence back on Fourth of July, 1776.

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Have a great holiday! Should be plenty of leftover food to steal at the holiday parties of rich people – like those senators - all celebrating their independence, big houses and expensive foreign cars!

You see, the senators – 40 Republicans and one Democrat - want you to be independent for Independence Day! They want you to be independent of money. They want you to be independent of food. They want you to be independent self-esteem and of the basic necessities of life!

As a matter of fact, they want you to just suck it.

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It’s the arrogance that grows only from an extreme lack of knowledge serving as a cover for ignorance.

It’s a mentality best embodied in the redneck’s famous last words, “here, honey, hold my beer…watch’is,” as he guns his four-wheeler up the pile of manure in an attempt to jump the double-wide in a single bound.

It will not end well.

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In many ways, Sen. Byrd’s growth as a legislator and person embodied the growth of the American people in the 20 th Century: from narrow-minded fear to an embrace of a much broader view of the world and compassion.

Ah, yes, but if only we could drag along that boisterous minority that clings to fear as its primary motivation.

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It all worked perfectly!

Distract us by annihilating the Gulf of Mexico, smothering it in a blanket of oil and deadly chemicals and while we’re focused on that debacle go behind our backs to pretend to reform the hubris and greed of Wall Street – while in reality setting us up for even more catastrophe!

I love it when a plan comes together! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

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“Um…er…Mr. President. How are you this morning?”

“Oh I’m just fine, General. What could go wrong on this fine day? We have in the Gulf the nation’s worst environmental damage ever. The economy continues to struggle. Republicans continue to act out and, as you know, this war thing in Afghanistan continues to be difficult. Just one thing after another but I’m having a great day…again.”

“Um…er…yes, sir, Mr. President. You were certainly handed a plate full dog crap when you took office.”

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I am happy to report to you, this morning, from the lovely weather and clear seas of the British coast where we all enjoyed a most spectacular weekend racing aboard my beloved Farr 52, “Bob,” in the legendary Round the Island Race hosted by JP Morgan and the Island Yacht Club.

Oh, I know what you may be thinking: why in the world would Ol’ Tony go racing while that nasty oil is still leaking slightly into the Gulf of Mexico?

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So let me get this straight: seemingly angry that his amigos at BP (“Bustamante Pendejos,” according to @DCDebbie) got their corporate arms twisted by President Obama to ante up a $20 billion down payment for the carnage they wreaked on the Gulf of Mexico, Texas Congressman Joe Barton said yesterday the President’s demand “amounts to a shakedown.”

Shakedown is street for extortion, you see, and the esteemed representative from Texas, who couldn’t possibly be close to Big Oil interests back home, was saying the President of the United States was acting like a thug to demand BP put money immediately on the table to pay for attempting to kill the Gulf of Mexico.

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“With the exception of preventing war, this is the greatest challenge that our country will face during our lifetime.”

The year was 1977 and President Jimmy Carter was just over 3 months in office.

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In a related announcement, U.S. officials say the new U.S. colony of Afghanistan will be renamed, Pandora, and a team from Halliburton and Massey Mining will begin immediately extracting the Unobtanium from beneath the surface.

Seriously, $1 trillion in iron, copper, gold, cobalt and lithium in Afghanistan? What could possibly go wrong?

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Imagine what he might say to us as he watches one of the world’s great oceans being destroyed by the greed and malfeasance of Big Oil…with the duplicity of a U.S. government bent on deregulation of large industries over the past 30 years.

We can all grab Vuvuzelas and make a big noise…

…OR…we can do something about it.

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So, what the hell?

In a clear sign voters prefer candidates who don’t campaign, raise no money, don’t even put up a campaign site on the InnerTubes, for God’s sake, unknown political novice Alvin Green garnered 100,000 votes to win the Democratic nomination for the U.S. Senate in South Carolina.

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The bad news is we’re now officially under siege by a foreign oil corporation and being held hostage by its greed, incompetence and general disdain for humankind and Mother Earth.

But the good news is…oh, wait, there isn’t any good news.

“This is a siege across the entire gulf,” said U.S. Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen over the weekend on the TeeVee Box. “This spill is holding everybody hostage, not only economically but physically. And it has to be attacked on all fronts.”

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It is the yin and yang of it.

I see this tweet, yesterday. (A tweet, for you great unwashed and disconnected, is a 140-character message posted on Twitter, the micro-blogging social medium which – like politics – offers both concise brilliance and enormously short-sighted inanities.)

So, I see this tweet yesterday.

“Obama hates Jews,” it read. WTF, I thought. That’s just stupid.

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That’s right: Beyond Petroleum all the way into destroying one of the world’s great oceans. But all this is really stressing out BP CEO Tony Hayward. He wants his life back. But, at $8 million a year salary & bonus it’s all in a day’s work.

Hurricane Season 2010 could be a very active season; or it could be an also-ran in the history of great hurricane seasons. We always hope for the later but prepare for the former.

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It’s a hard business.

BP or “Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans” will get a visit today from President Obama. He will, no doubt, kick their corporate ass before donning his Aquaman suit, swimming down 5,000 feet and plugging the volcano himself with one of the whale carcasses he may find.

Probably gonna be a lot of junk shots today.

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I’m sure you read about this in the news:

The Gulf of Mexico is being strangled to death and with it all the living creatures who call it home.

The Gulf is being strangled to death by oil, greed, politics, inaction and a lack of imagination. But mostly it’s the oil. Consumptive greed is but the root cause.

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Sarah Palin thinks asking a politician about such matters is gotcha-journalism like, you know, when she was asked, “what newspapers do you read?” (Remember answer? “All of ‘em.”)

The Gulf of Mexico continues filling up with oil and chemicals.

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The Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded on April 20. An oil volcano 5,000 feet below, on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico, has been gushing hundred of thousands of gallons of oil for 30 days.

Chemicals poured into the lethal mix to disperse the oil add to toxic stew.

Will the Gulf of Mexico survive this gross negligence?

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In Arkansas, Halter made Lincoln blanch.

A teabagger who’s kinda not really a teabagger kicked GOP ass for the Senate in Kentucky but didn’t even get as many votes as did the Democratic loser.

And John Murtha’s ghost and former staffer, Mark Critz, takes his seat in Pennsylvania thereby proving no one knows what they’re talking about – ever – when it comes to election predictions.

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The failed national office seeker who walked off the job – quit – as Alaska’s governor delivered a stirring call to action at a breakfast meeting of the Susan B. Anthony List.

“ "The mama grizzlies, they rise up," she said, to laughter, according to the Washington Post.

"You thought pit bulls are tough. You don't want to mess with the mama grizzlies. And I think there are a whole lot of those in this room."

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Headline: U.S. Said to Allow Drilling Without Needed Permits.

Headline: Gulf Coast Battles Oil Spill with Big Bags of Hair.

Headline: Pogo Points and Says, “Told You So.”

Seriously, it’s time – yet again – for quite a bit of righteous indignation bordering on anger.

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You gotta admit that. We get even funkier when we ride election cycles fast down busy streets, hit a slight bump and find ourselves suddenly and quite pointedly reminded how hard the narrow saddle of democracy can be.

It all seems so painful at that very moment but we just keep peddlin’.

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Naw…just kidding.

The SCOTUS nod goes to current U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan, noted socialist and prostitute according to right-wing extremists who also say they don’t like her haircut, a little too short for their liking.

The political scene is really bonking for lack of adequate nutrition.

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That’s right. According to DNA research currently being conducted by the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, Neanderthals had a max planck for the new and really cute humans who moved to town and before they died out spent a few steamy nights with them amid candlelight and Lady Gaga records.

This has resulted, say the researchers, in a strain of Neanderthal DNA swimming for thousands of years in the gene pool of non-African humans. As a matter of fact, the researchers suggest 1 to 4 percent of the DNA in non-Africans (Europeans) is, in fact, Neanderthal.

A poll taken by ABC news the other day suggested the teabaggers account for approximately 2 percent of the population; a curious statistical comparison.

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Okay all you Anglos with a tan, we’re headed to Arizona, donning our guayaberas and huaraches and telling the cops we brought our Coronas directly from Mexico!

Whoo-hoo!! We’re all Mexican today! Well, maybe not in Arizona; could get you arrested and charged with being brown.

Oh sure, Cinco de Maya is well-known as a kind of Mexican Independence Day, meant to commemorate Zapata’s victory over Napoleon at Veracruz but, hey, what’s that compared to drinking contests when you can drink so much tequila you think you’re speaking Spanish to that groovy looking chick who is actually from India.

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“We already drill in an environmentally sensitive manner.”

Okay, so maybe Michael ManofSteele, Sarah Palindrome & Shame Humanity missed the mark just a skosh on this one.

Gee, ya think?

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Oh…and, by the way, you’ll hear the word, “massive,” a lot in the coming days.

But what the hell, right? It’s just the Gulf of Mexico. We’ve been using it as America’s sewer for years now, flushing all kinds of poisons down the Mississippi River to the Gulf of Mexico.

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Whew, it is tough trying to live up to the mantle of the screwiest state in the nation and the Sunshine State is certainly grateful to Arizona for answering the call, “hey, li’l help?”

Just in case you’ve been under a rock, the Arizona Legislature passed a new law requiring anyone with brown skin to be stopped by police under suspicion of not being ‘Murkin.

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“Um, yes,…um, this is a little embarrassing but we need to order some backbone, maybe with a side of cojones if you have them.”

“Oh, yes, of course. We keep well stocked in spine and cojones these days. We used to supply quite a bit for Capitol Hill but I guess the recession has lessened the demand.”

“Well…okay, we really need some now. How fast can you send it over?”

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The planet will survive – it may be a dead rock – but it will survive.

It’s the people and animals and plants we have to worry about. And we especially have to worry about the people…’cause it appears half of ‘em are crazy.

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More importantly, do we still have time to save the planet? Will we still be battling to save the planet on Earth Day 2050? Will it be too late by then?

When Senator Gaylord Nelson, Democrat of Wisconsin, conceived the idea for Earth Day in 1970, he immediately stretched across the aisle and Capitol to enlist the aid of U.S. Rep. Pete McCloskey, Republican of California. Together – and with a team of talented, bright students – they put environmentalism and conservation square on the table of public opinion and action.

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Seems like a good morning to drag out that vaunted – and often forgotten – Churchill quote.

Here we are looking back 15 years to the horrific bombing of the federal courthouse in Oklahoma City while at the same time the Pew Center releases a poll which suggests 80 percent of American distrust the American government.

At a time when griping against government has grown from a cottage industry to major gated-development industry thanks to its own cable channel (I’m lookin’ at you, Faux News Network), it may be important to remember one little point:

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So, while the teabaggers were snortin’ and complain’, yesterday; cashing their Social Security checks to travel to Washington and complain about socialism, the President of the United States was seeing beyond the stars and shakin’ his booty with the cool kids in Miami at Gloria and Emilio’s place.

The juxtaposition pretty much says it all.

"I've been a little amused over the last couple of days where people have been having these rallies about taxes," the president said, noting the numerous tax cuts pushed by his administration. "You would think they'd be saying thank you."

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Just as President Obama is holding a summit - the largest gathering of world leaders since the 1940s - on the dangers of loose nukes, the loose knuckleheads over GOP HQ put out a new ad for the TeeVee Box and the Innertubes.

You gotta see this on the YouTubes:

“Many think April 15 th is tax day,” said the serious announcer. “Wrong.”

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But enough of the small stuff. The really important stuff happened in New Orleans over the weekend when the southern confederate Republican leadership wallowed in self-pity and self-hate to warn us of the dangers of this president who don’t look like all the other presidents.

Just like Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour explained, all the hub-bub over Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell proclaiming April as Confederate Heritage Month? Well, that don’t amount to diddly…and not Bo Diddley, neither, unless he wants to sing us a song and wail on that little box guitar!

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“It should help tourism,” said the governor, as he boarded a private jet bound for New Orleans and the Southern Republican Leadership Conference.

Immediately upon his announcement, a cannon was fired from the back porch (next to the refrigerator) of Fort. Sumter, South Carolina and legislatures across the south said, “hell no, we ain’t gonna have no stinkin’ health care in THIS state, by damn, ain’t gonna be no slaves to the fed’rul guv’munt.”

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Yep, says right here: 2010 Congressional District Census. Now, I can really make my voice heard.

Question 1: Do you consider yourself a conservative Republican? A really conservative Republican? A really, really conservative Republican? A Communist?

Hmmm…odd. Okay, I’ll write in, “none of the above.”

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Taking on Ohio State roundball legend and CBS analyst Clark “Special K” Kellogg in a game of HORSE-turned-POTUS, the “Big O” showed a downtown range that would make Dukies envious.

You can’t leave the guy open in the corner, that’s for sure. And teabaggers, I’m talkin’ to you, Rush, Beck & the teabaggers. Plus, he’s left handed, knows how to spell and conjugate verbs, a particular sticking point with the wing nuts.

You see, spelling and grammar are not strong suits of the teabag crowd. A quick sampling of home-made signs at teabagger rallies includes some real gems (supplied by the Seattle Weekly).

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That and by rolling back airport security measures for people from countries where most people look kinda dark and swarthy, sorta like Jesus probably did.

But, hey, it’s Holy Week in a number of ways and the time of year when lots of religions celebrate something. Jews observed Passover this week (at which point the whole Easter thing started in the first place.) Muslims just celebrated the birth of the Prophet.

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It’s the rednecks, themselves! (‘Cause, Lord knows, ain’t nobody else gonna.)

Some of ‘em, anyway, put down their beers long enough to turn off the Fox News Channel and emerge from their double-wides to start a campaign to bring justice to this most persecuted minority.

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Here he was, having just succeeded in helping pass in the Congress one of the most significant social reforms in the last 50 years, and he’s celebrating by shooting guns in Vegas with the long-time head of the National Rifle Association.

But down in his dusty desert home town, a whole bunch of folks in pick ‘em up trucks and campers all got together to hear some woman from Alaska play the Donald Trump teevee show card.

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There's a whole lotta folks out there gonna need some serious medical attention, soon, if this national political discourse gets any more violent! Is mental health care covered in the reforms?

Holy Crap! What're you people thinkin’? Death threats, spittin’ at members of Congress, callin’ ‘em horrible names, throwin’ money at Parkinson’s patients…and that’s just in my family!

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Hidden among the many provisions of the new communist manifesto – better know as health care reform – is a 10 percent tax on tanning salons! It’s an outrage!

No wonder House Majority Leader John Boehner was livid! And he should be. The average person pays $15 to $20 per 10-minute session to lay nekkid on a bed of fluorescent lights and get zapped like a doughnut. With this 10 percent tax, they’ll have to pay an additional $1.50 to $2.00.

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Let’s stand still for just a moment…yes, the earth appears to be still spinning on its axis.

Let’s check the wires…nope, no reports of hordes of mongrel and socialist orcs washing over the Canadian border or from any of the other major industrialized nations with national health care strategies (like all of them).

Is Rush Limbaugh packing his bags for Costa Rica? He’s gonna like it there. Costa Rica has an even better national health care plan than any other nation in the Western Hemisphere!

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Ah…shopping for necessities in post-grandeur ‘Murka. But, by golly, we’ll stop that socialism thing.

We don’t need health care. Twinkies are on sale at the Bargain Hut. Look, as long as I can keep the guv’munt outa my processed-flour pancakes, I’m good.

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It's not like  we haven't been waiting for nearly 100 years!  What, you think we're that easy? We'll just come around and take you back, now that we've waiting for this long?

You've been seriously teasing us for over a year. Sure, we've heard the sweet talk:  "It will provide insurance to those who don't. And it will lower the cost of health care for our families, our businesses, and our government."

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At least that's what school children in Texas will soon learn if the Texas School Board gets its way in a circle-jerk editing session for social studies textbooks.

And, why not? After all, this is Texas…reality left a long time ago (Hello? George Bush? Rick Perry?)

New Texas tourism campaign slogan: “Whooo-wee Texas! We make Florida, Alabama & Mississippi look SANE!”

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Curmudgeons, that's what they are. Here, the Republican National Committee was just trying a little political merriment – a little word play – and make some money on the side.

Sure, the RNC letter to thousands said, “Congressional District Census,” and, “Do Not Destroy, Official Document,” and was a push-poll combined with a plea for money but, come on…really…it was just a harmless little stunt; a prank just to count gullible Americans!

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Seriously, we all appreciate good debate on issues of great concern. But, really, guys & gals of the knuckle-dragging variety, you really need to install mirrors. You're starting to look and sound…well…let's face it…like cartoons; like parodies of yourselves.

You're really starting to look Homer-ish. DOH!

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“How I Kicked My Ex-Husband's Ass and His Huge-Budget 3-D Space Fantasy Movie With A Low-Budget War Movie.”

Or…something like that.

James Cameron spent the rest of the night in the hurt locker while sending his Avatar around to all the Oscar parties.

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Or…

“I'll take a venti triple mocha latte with two extra shots…one in the cup and one at your head.”

That's right. If you haven't heard by now, you need to know the pin-head knuckle draggers who insist on carrying guns in their pants because they fear they have little else to carry in their pants are pulling the trigger on sanity around the country by staging gun-toting gatherings at Starbucks.

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Okay, not really. That would be unseemly. Caning is the preferred method of corporal punishment in the Congress.

But before the day is out, Rangel will be but a humble House member – sorta - and Jim Bunning will still be a Senator with a Hall of Fame ego and…oh yea…crazier ‘n bat guano.

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Republicans agree to health care reform!

Ha-ha-ha…Wait, no they didn't.

Despite repeated attempts Thursday to come together, sitting around a square hollow table, over 30 of our nation's most distinguished square hollow legislators continued to fuss and fight.

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The Legend-Before-Its-Time Summit on Health-Care-Reform-Arguing will take up six hours of time Thursday on the TeeVee Box.

The Winter Olympics will be suspended. Wall Street will shut down. Trains and airlines will grind to a halt. And Republicans will put cotton in their ears, stomp their feet and act like petulant children being dragged to the principal's office.

Okay. None of that is true – except the last part.

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Canada said to be amassing troops at the border…somewhere along the border…if we can find them…to invade in retaliation!

Okay, not really. But this does not bode well for US-Canadian relations. Making matters worse is the fact the USA is leading in the Canadian Olympics medal count.

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So, with that in mind and the Congress home on winter break, the annual pep-rally for destroying what's left of this great republic, CPAC, came to Washington to cheer and jeer and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

CPAC stands for Convention of Platitudes And Cranks, or something like that, and the first couple of days are real barn burners – unless, of course, someone can find an airplane to fly into a federal building somewhere.

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“So bye-bye, Mr. Evan Bayh
Daddy drove me to the Congress
But the Congress was dry”

“And good ol' boys are watching ‘Murkin's die
Sayin', this'll be the day I say bye…
This'll be the day I say bye.”

Or, to paraphrase Jimmy Buffett:

“My head hurts, my feet stink,
And I don't love Congress.”

“Oh my Lordy, it's just that kinda mornin',
Really was that kind of night.”

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Hey Dick! It's Presidents' Day weekend, not Veep Day! We don't need you disrupting our Presidents' Day commercials for mattress sales!

Yes, friends, that disturbance in the force we all felt yesterday was not a Canadian actually winning a gold medal at the Snowlympics but, rather, the US of A's big Dick Cheney inflicting his face again on the national horror.

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Ha-ha…this is very funny because:

A.) They are led around simply by the “no(s)”; or

B.) They are too far up the butt of Douche Limpbranch and Gin BecksBeer to find their probosci; or

C.) They would refuse to smell the need for reform if it came up and smacked them on the south end of a north-bound elephant.

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It was that kind of night in the magical land known as Nawlins. It's gonna be that kind of day…and night…and the next day…and on through Mardi Gras.

Not that the good people of Nawlins ever needed a reason, really, to party but it IS Mardi Gras season and, well, I understand the city's beloved professional football team actually won a game last night!

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Yep, unless you live under a rock at the bottom of the Mariana Trench you know it's time for Super Bowl XLIVPDQRLSDSEXINBVDS.

This means there will be approximately 94 straight hours of airtime on the TeeVee Box (and ad sales) surrounding nearly 4 hours of actual football between the NFC Champs, the Nawlins Who-Dats and the AFC Champs, the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings.

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"YES,” he declared. "I believe Barack Obama is a socialist. I believe he is not a citizen. I believe he should be impeached and I believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be president than Barack Obama!”

The clown was not part of a Shriner's parade. Nope, he was just warming up for the Teabaggers' convention this weekend in Nashville.

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The President will release today his budget for 2011, a hefty little $3.8 trillion document with a running deficit of $1.3 trillion.

What fun!

After crashing the Congressional GOP retreat on Friday and asking them politely – sorta – to cut it out and try to be reasonable for a change and all the Republicans then mobbing the President to get his autograph – because he's a rock star – look for them today to lash out at the budget proposals as a Bolshevik plot!

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