Question: What the primary job of a United State Senator?

1. Deliberate thoughtfully and carefully on legislation proposed to advance the health, safety & welfare of all Americans, thereby improving the quality of life for one’s constituents?

2. Cower before the screeching voices of fear and prejudice while carrying water and bags of cash for the rich and powerful minorities who own 85 percent of the nation’s wealth and systematically blocking any progress of this nation into the 21st Century?

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The fundamentalist, backwoods Christians coming together with the Islamophobiacs coming together with the Tea Party curmudgeons to form a coalition promoting fear and hate of just about every dang thing we can imagine.

What fun!

The Values Voters Summit came together again in Washington this past weekend and, boy howdy, were they glad to see Tea Partiers come in to embrace their paranoia because they’d been losing steam recently given the fact that a person of color has occupied The White House for nearly two years and the Rapture hasn’t happened yet.

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And by, “aggressive secularism,” he means Anglicans and Presbyterians and, please, don’t even bring up the Methodists!

Okay, whatever. Maybe Madam Tussaud can post Thomas Cromwell’s head on the London Bridge once again. Just for old time’s sake.

Oh yea, and by, “aggressive secularism,” he means the printing press.

Back across the pond, however, Gutenberg would be shocked and awed by the speed with which we can aggressively circulate revolt, if not outright repulsion.

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Marvel as we might at the apparently miracle that saved their lives and the miracle unfolding daily as they settle in and wait for rescue – which may be three to four months away – we cannot begin to fathom how the human condition can bolster the will and nerve to survive such an ordeal.

But we are pampered North American softies, for the most part. We have no idea.

But Ariel Dorfman understands well what’s taking place above and below that imploded mountain.

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We survive another 9/11 weekend, albeit with few book burnings and more than a few lackluster Tea Party rallies across ‘Murka.

Kanye West brings down the house at the MTV Video Music Awards with his latest hit, “Runaway,” and homage to feminine hygiene, “A toast to the douchebags.”

All this a coincidence?

Perhaps but how can we be sure? After all, freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.

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Floridians are celebrating the statistical peak of Hurricane Season.

James W. Hart, currently also known as Chief Junaluska, is celebrating 82 great years.

Saturday is September 11th and Americans will accumulate in large gatherings all over this great land to observe two groups of very large young men intentionally run into each other, knock each other down and attempt in the midst of this mayhem to get that punkin from one end of the cow pasture to the ’other without either getting’ knocked down…or steppin’ in somethin’. (Yea, that’s right…Andy Griffith!)

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You’ve attracted and attention of the entire world!

Now, what’re you gonna do?

“I’m going to Dizzyland!!

“I’d go to crazytown…but, heck, I’m already there!!”

Yep, that’s right. This jacklegged, Hulk Hogan-mustachioed, hooligan for Jesus has the whole world in an uproar and managed to attract the attention of everyone from concerned Muslims in Indonesia to General Patreaus to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the Attorney General of the United States, Ron Holder.

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And, yes, and it appears to be a great week for hate and book-burning.

There’s the rinky-dink, 50-member alleged church in Gainesville, Florida which will commemorate 9/11 on Saturday by building a bonfire of Qu’rans and, as it turns out, copies of the Talmud, too.

There’s also another crazy Florida preacher, doing his best impression of Elmer Gantry, who wants to counter the Cordoba Community Center in New York with his own fundamentalist Christian Center.

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The bad news is Earl remains a hurricane and will make for a crappy day along much of the Northeast and a nasty night for Cape Cod.

The good news is Earl will be centered over Nova Scotia by Saturday afternoon. The bad news it will still retain the strength of a hurricane, if barely.

The good news is Fiona is fizzling far out in the Atlantic and Gaston has virtually disappeared, which will remain good news as long as Gaston doesn’t cook back up…as some hurricane models suggest.

Additional good news is that Thursday night marked the official opening of the 2010 College Tackle Football Season and on Saturday we’ll see all the major college tackle football teams play their pre-season games against small schools they will crush but compensate with big paychecks.

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It’s VI Day!! Victory in Iraq Day!! Somebody grab me a nurse to kiss in Times Square!!

What?

Oh? We did that back in 2003?

Hmmm…okay. Well, at least Iraq is now a stable, pluralistic, democratic society where everyone is progressing and feeling good about themselves.

Mission Accomplished: Halliburton, ExxonMobil, BP & Royal Dutch Shell now control nearly all of Iraq’s oil!

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There is in the air the slightest wisp of cool breeze, a harbinger of fall’s crispness just around the corner. The sky is clear, free of moisture after days of reviving rain.

All seems right with the world and, thankfully, our honor has been restored!

What, you say? Our honor has been restored? You didn’t know it had been torn and shattered?

Does this mean I can take the big “A” off my collar? Can I review my discharge?

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The family hunkered down in the center hallway of their home.

It wasn’t quiet there but they thought it the safest place.

The roar of the wind outside was so deafening it reached into the center of their ears. It was a roar that would not case until daylight.

But daylight would bring its own problems.

The radio cracked faintly.

The family tried desperately to hold on to the signal, their only link to the world outside the maelstrom. Talk on the radio helped keep the family’s terror at a low simmer.

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John McCain can go back to playing Maverick on the TeeVee Box, with or without Jim Garner’s help.

Lisa Murkowski up in Alaska, however, may have to chew for a while on Mama Grizzly gristle.

But the big story of Tuesday’s primary elections is down in Florida where the entire Republican Party establishment is waking up this morning with a bad case of the WTF?s.

Despite pre-primary polling indications, Gazillionaire Rick “Skeletor” Scott spent $50 million of his own cheese and grilled long-time Republican Party of Florida darling and sitting Attorney General Bill McCollum for the RPOF nomination for guv’nah.

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Those crazy liberals, wanting to subvert the laws of the nation and the constitution to keep off private property the practice of religion!

The framers of the constitution made it clear: no law shall be made respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free expression thereof.

But these liberals: Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the rest, want to liberally construe that fundamental right to exclude Muslims from it. Probably Methodists, too, if they thought they could!

They liberally apply hate to persuade the rest of us of their point of view.

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Headline: “Last Full Combat Brigade Leaves Iraq.”

Wow! That is, indeed, great news. And thanks, George W. Bush, for taking us on that great adventure. Almost 5,000 dead soldiers of the U.S. and participating Coalition partners; estimates of around 100,000 dead Iraqis; all at a cost of $10,000 EVERY DAY for each man, woman & child in the United States.

But, hey, Iraqi oil ended up in the hands of western oil companies, so there you have it!

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Forget the Yankees vs. the Red Sox. Forget boxers vs. briefs.

Forget George W. Bush's world of "haves and have mores." Besides, the Have-Mores own us all, anyway, grabbed us by the short-sales.

We are now officially a society divided with "Yes, we can and "But should we"? The Yes people on one hand and the But people on the other.

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A President of the United States can stand up, defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and you people, so torn by fear and paranoia, go berserk with angry rhetoric and condemnation.

What? The President defending the Constitution? Why, that’s…that’s…just downright un-American!

“And a baby cries…in the ghetto…” Oh Elvis, why’d you have leave us (maybe)?

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Rush Limbaugh lets us know he’s envious that President Obama has more fans on his Facebook page than does El Rushbo.

Andy Schlafly, son of famously backward Phyllis Schlafly, surmises the Theory of Relativity is yet another liberal plot.

The good ol’ US of A – there can be little doubt this is the greatest, most comprehensively sophisticated nation and society the world has ever seen.

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It seems there is a conspiracy among Baptists, led by Kentucky’s GOP nominee for the U.S. Senate, to worship a mysterious deity known to followers as the Aqua Buddha.

Oh sure, Rand Paul denies it now – while also claiming now to be a Presbyterian – but many years ago while a student at Baylor University and a member of the university-tormenting NoZe Brotherhood Paul allegedly tried to lead a female swim team member to the river to be baptized in weed and the Aqua Buddha. At least according to GQ Magazine.

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In what other country would you hear folks, barely able to make it from paycheck to paycheck, get all worked up over wantin’ to make sure really, really rich folks aren’t taxed too much?

And, yet, that’s what you’ll be hearin’ soon as – inexplicably – as Republican in the Congress of the United States will soon argue against letting die the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of Americans.

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Although much of the clap-trap they circulate remains.

Here’s what happened: The Sun let loose last Sunday with a coronal mass ejection, what scientists who watch heavenly bodies on computer screens like to refer to as, “the money shot.”

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Or so, they tell us.

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No…wait…that’s not right.

Try again.

BREAKING NEWS: Three convicted murderers have escaped from prison in Arizona.

The Arizona Legislature immediately convened a special session to make prison escape and murder illegal.

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It’s all part of boom, boom, ain’t it great to be crazy in the land of the free and the home of the raves!

In an op-ed piece published in the Wall Street Urinal, former G.W. Bush hatchet man and puppet-master Karl Rove lets us know he thinks President Obama is doing a pretty darn good job in Afghanistan.

“Mr. Obama has acted impressively so far on Afghanistan,” wrote the man affectionately known as Turd Blossom, by the ever articulate 44st POTUS.

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Gee, who knew it would be so easy?

So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

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“Oh, wait…this just in…

“A crap-load of secret documents has just been released on the Internet which suggests war sucks generally and the war in Afghanistan sucks even more than we already know…

“…and Alberto Contador will take his third Le Tour de France victory in four years.”

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Tropical storms and hurricanes are meteorological bullies.

The only difference between hurricanes and human bullies is hurricanes can do real damage.

Human bullies are usually just thugs; insecure brats who act out because of deep, empty holes in their souls. They only time they do any real damage is if they actually gain some sort of power: political or financial.

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And, very often, it’s the same whiners whining about both!

Grow up, people. You are not the only ones on this planet and you don’t have all the answers.

It never ceases to be amazing how white people react with such venom when anyone points out obvious racism.

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Sarah Palin, the former half-governor of Alaska, which can see Russia from its front porch, may be on to something.

We’ve become a nation of such intellectual giants we can only hope, now, to elect presidents in the future based on the number and obsequiousness of words we completely make up.

Forget writing books – I mean really writing books, not having someone else write it. No more, Profiles in Courage. Forget about, The Audacity of Hope.

We’re talking, here, about the audacity of dopes. We’ll just make up words, apply them with malapropitude and may be best mangler win!

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Coincidence?

Hmmm….Did passage of a Wall Street reform bill play any role in any of this? (Maybe it would have if any real reform had been passed.)

Hmmm…did anyone ever see Ringo Starr and Yasser Arafat in the same room at the same time?

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At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

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Quiz: which of these events presents the most disappointment and dread?

Answer: Mama Grizzlies.

(It was a trick question.)

What, exactly, is with the extremist right wing in this country and all the talk of animals and shootin’ guns and teeth-barin’ metaphors?

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HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Suck it, Cleveland. And you suck it, too, New York…losers.

Seriously, let me get his straight. You’re a 25-year-old superstar and you get to pick anywhere to play basketball for lots and lots of money and your choices are Cleveland, New York, Chicago and Miami. And you don’t pick Miami?

Do you realize basketball is played – mostly – in the winter? And, if you have the choice, you’d rather come home to Cleveland, New York or Chicago? Really? Seriously?

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You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

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Question: When Jesus threw the bankers out of the temple and established the US of A, the Pharaoh who let my people go was ruler over which Egyptian country?

Please submit your answers to: www.howcanIbesuchamoron?.com

And don’t worry if you get the answer wrong, you’ll be in the company of just over one-quarter of good, decent, hard-working Americans who don’t know from which country this particular country declared its independence back on Fourth of July, 1776.

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Have a great holiday! Should be plenty of leftover food to steal at the holiday parties of rich people – like those senators - all celebrating their independence, big houses and expensive foreign cars!

You see, the senators – 40 Republicans and one Democrat - want you to be independent for Independence Day! They want you to be independent of money. They want you to be independent of food. They want you to be independent self-esteem and of the basic necessities of life!

As a matter of fact, they want you to just suck it.

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