Laura Schlessinger rants about black folks complaining of racism and in so doing repeats – several times – that most offensive word in the English language.

Rush Limbaugh lets us know he’s envious that President Obama has more fans on his Facebook page than does El Rushbo.

Andy Schlafly, son of famously backward Phyllis Schlafly, surmises the Theory of Relativity is yet another liberal plot.

The good ol’ US of A – there can be little doubt this is the greatest, most comprehensively sophisticated nation and society the world has ever seen.

That’s a given. We taught the world to fly, for heaven’s sake, and in doing so reached the moon, Mars and beyond.

And, yet, we’ve also held within our ranks a strong streak of moronism.

Teddy Roosevelt once famously explained that at any given time 20 percent of the population is angry and discontent. We might also add: poorly informed.

The difference in TR’s day and ours is that the morons have their own networks on the TeeVee Box and radios (see: Fox News) and with them have a huge megaphone through which they can capture the poorly informed minds of others and before you know it have them also parading down the street to crazy town.

A candidate for the Florida Legislature joined that parade the other day when she suggested rounding up and putting in camps the 12 million or so people in the United States without proper immigration documents.

Nice.

Marge Baker, a real estates agent running in Florida House District 48, in suburban Tampa, told a gathering of Glenn Beck’s 9/12 Project the solution to immigration is simple.

“We can follow what happened back in the 40s or 50s,” said Ms. Baker. “I was just a little girl in Miami, and they built camps for the people that snuck into the country, because they were illegal.   They put them in the camps, and they shipped them back. We can do that.”

Oh yea, she added, and we need to keep our guns.

This would be the land of the free and the home of the brave…and, sometimes, thoughtless.

Let’s get this straight: to Andy Schlafly, the Theory of Relativity is “a mathematical system that allows no exceptions. It is heavily promoted by liberals who like its encouragement of relativism and its tendency to mislead people in how they view the world.”

Once you read the Theory of Relativity, explains Schlafly, you no longer want to read the Bible.

So because it’s Friday the 13 th, all you on the moron parade might want to avoid black cats and broken mirrors and walking under ladders because energy is equal to mass times the square of the speed of light.

While the right-wing crazies wait with baited breath to see if President Obama will at some point during this month of Ramadan even glance toward the east, we have a much bigger problem.

It seems there is a conspiracy among Baptists, led by Kentucky’s GOP nominee for the U.S. Senate, to worship a mysterious deity known to followers as the Aqua Buddha.

Oh sure, Rand Paul denies it now – while also claiming now to be a Presbyterian – but many years ago while a student at Baylor University and a member of the university-tormenting NoZe Brotherhood Paul allegedly tried to lead a female swim team member to the river to be baptized in weed and the Aqua Buddha. At least according to GQ Magazine.

“I will categorically deny that I ever kidnapped anyone or forced anybody to use drugs,” Paul said on the Faux News Channel.

Ah, yes, but you see here is where it went wrong. If he’d only attended Southern Methodist University he would have seen the light and realized the true path to Aqua Buddha enlightenment is pot brownies and beer.

At least we can thank him for launching Max & Davina with Sirius Isness and a world wide movement of trance floor fillers, the spearhead of the global trance explosion.

Somehow, I blame Sarah Palin.

And for Sharron Angle and Ken Buck, as well. These three, clearly stable human beings may just combine with Florida’s Medicaid-reimbursements-gone-wild potential GOP goober-natorial nominee Rick Scott could end up being the d’Artagnan, Athos, Porthos & Aramis of the 2010 political scene. (“tous pour un, un pour tous!”)

Only, with luck, no one gets beheaded.

Sharron Angle is the Nevada GOP nominee and Tea Party favorite to unseat U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and only a month ago her quest seemed a sure thing. But then she opened her mouth.

Out came such things, paraphrased here, as “hey, let’s kill Social Security,” and “maybe violent revolution is the way to reform this country.”

Then there’s Colorado GOP Senate nominee Ken Buck, who will face incumbent Democrat Mike Bennett who his party’s nomination yesterday with the full support of President Obama.

Buck, who made it clear during the primary campaign he does not wear high heels and is not, therefore, a woman like his primary opponent also suggested his Tea Party compatriots who believe the President to have been born in Kenya just might be, as he so delicately put it, “dumbasses.” This endeared him to his base.

And, finally, we have Florida’s Rick Scott. A multi-millionaire and former CEO of the embattled Columbia-HCA hospital chain, Scott is spending $25 million of his own cheese to become governor of Florida because he sees how well current Gov. Charlie Crist has made out in that office.

Angry that GOP primary opponent Bill McCollum, Florida’s current attorney general and long-time political veteran, would question his company’s…er…”problem” with allegations of Medicare fraud found himself served him with a subpoena yesterday at the beginning of a hastily arranged press conference.

Scott was going to denounce McCollum for investigating the $1.7 billion Medicare fraud fine paid by HCA-Columbia a decade ago.

“This is a clear abuse of power. This is exactly what thugs do in third-world countries to keep power,” Scott said. “Bill McCollum is the Tonya Harding of Florida politics.”

Said the Tallahassee lawyer who served the subpoena, “I’m doing God’s work. I’m not doing this for any campaign. This guy Scott is the corporate spawn of Satan.”

It seems everyone could use a little Aqua Buddha right about now. Or, maybe, Ramadan. Or, just maybe, the Transfiguration.

Is this an amazing country or what?

In what other country would you hear folks, barely able to make it from paycheck to paycheck, get all worked up over wantin’ to make sure really, really rich folks aren’t taxed too much?

And, yet, that’s what you’ll be hearin’ soon as – inexplicably – as Republican in the Congress of the United States will soon argue against letting die the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of Americans.

Why the debate would even take place is an amazing thing; kinda like debatin’ the act of driving one’s car off the cliff.

And you can bet the Republicans, wanting to preserve their base of the richest of the rich, will try their best to rally the poor lemmings driving those cars on which they can barely make payments right over that cliff.

What? Make the rich actually pay taxes? Or pay their fair share? Why…why…that’s just un-American!

Heck, all you unwashed and ignert trailer-dwellers, don’t you know that if the rich get all these enormous tax breaks they were given by George W. Bush and the Republican Congress they’ll use all that extra money to create jobs for you? They might even just cut out the middle-man and write checks directly to you! They’re nice like that.

Nevermind those tax cuts, passed by Bush and the Republican Congress back in 2004, would cost America another $700 billion in debt. Nevermind that the tax cuts combined with unbelievable spending and folly in Iraq and Afghanistan cost an additional $1 trillion. Nevermind that the tax cuts, folly in Iraq and deregulated greed on Wall Street drove – may yet drive – this nation into collapse.

The shock is good for us, say the Milton Friedman disciples who planned all this. It’s good for us to amass great wealth in the hands of a very few. See how well this has worked out?

You see, it is like this: In the United States, wealth is highly concentrated in a relatively few hands.

The top 1 percent of households – the really, really rich - own 34.6% of all privately held wealth. The next 19 percent - Wall Street bankers and corporation heads – own 50.5 percent of the wealth.

That means 20 percent of all Americans own 85 percent of all privately-held wealth in the country. This, of course, leaves only 15 percent of the wealth for the remaining 80 percent of us.

So you can easily see why it’s a great idea to extend the Bush tax cuts for those very wealthy people. Heck, they’re barely making it in this economy.

But, wait, what’s this? A dedicated Friedmanista, the very architect of no less than Ronald Reagan’s wealthy supply-side revolution says extending the Bush tax cuts would be a bad thing. David Stockman, budget director for President Ronald Reagan says tax cuts for the wealthy have become a religion for Republicans.

“I find it unconscionable that the Republican leadership faced with a 1.5 trillion deficit could possibly believe that good public policy is to maintain tax cuts for the top 2 percent of the population who, after all, have benefited enormously from this phony boom we’ve had over the last 10 years as a result of the casino on Wall Street,” Stockman told National Public Radio over the weekend.

“I blame the Bush White House. They basically sold out the birthright of the Republican Party when they bailed out Wall Street unnecessarily in a state of complete panic in September 2008. That’s really, at the end of the day, one of the greatest misfortunes in fiscal governance since the Reagan revolution tried to straighten things out beginning in 1980.”

To be fair, Stockman also blames the Obama White House for continuing some of the same policies in an effort to, as the President says, get the nation out of the ditch.

Maybe the Republicans could find more common ground with regular Americans if they replaced, “Drill, baby, drill,” with, “Tax, baby, tax…the rich.”

Yea…that’ll happen.

Having emerged from the lead-lined bunker in which we waited out the geomagnetic storm that pounded Earth for two days, we discovered the world remained intact and the InnerTubes and satellites still working.

Although much of the clap-trap they circulate remains.

Here’s what happened: The Sun let loose last Sunday with a coronal mass ejection, what scientists who watch heavenly bodies on computer screens like to refer to as, “the money shot.”

This sent millions and millions of tiny, supercharged particles – electrons, proteins, carbohydrates – all hurdling toward Earth at 2.5 million miles per hour. That’s really, really fast.

Even the tiniest particle is gonna smart if it hits you at 2.5 million miles per hour and scientists feared the worst. Pat Buchanan, blabbering as he usually does on MSNBC, revealed to us that Thomas Jefferson thought the punishment for sodomy should be castration.

It was through intense astrophysical mind melds possible only during geomagnetic storms that Buchanan could access the thoughts of Thomas Jefferson in just such a way.

Nonetheless, a federal judge in California ruled as unconstitutional the nitwit Golden State plebiscite banning gay marriage and now, thankfully, gay people in California are free, once again, to become as hopelessly bogged down in marriage as straight people.

The reaction to the ruling by the homophobe underclass was, of course, to immediate accuse the federal judge of being gay. Why else, they said, would he allow for one class of people to enjoy the rights given to other classes of people? Oh yea…and when will “gay” stop being an accusation?

The hurtling particles did not stop the U.S. Senate from confirming Elena Kagan as U.S. Supreme Court Justice, despite GOP predictions of the nation’s imminent collapse. She will be sworn in on Saturday but this will still not stop SCOTUS from granting the full rights of individuals to our corporate masters and it’s only a matter of time before some giant retailer like Target gives a wad of cash to right-wing fear mongers who support crazy extremists for posts like governor of Minnesota.

Perhaps, however, the geomagnetic storm is responsible for a reported alliance between Google and Verizon which could, it has been suggested, lead to express lanes on the super information highway where only rich people and companies willing to pay more will get access to the really groovy stuff on the InnerTubes while the rest of us will be left with Hulu and the Fox News website.

This leaves us with one startling if not confirmed result of the geomagnetic storm. It appears one supercharged particle might have actually made its way through the carbon-ladened atmosphere to strike an 18-wheeler carrying 39,000 pounds of 5-blend shredded cheese near Pensacola, Florida.

The truck immediately caught fire leaving fried and melted cheese all over Interstate 10.

With nothing left to clean up in the Gulf of Mexico, crews from BP were immediately dispatched to the scene with 40,000 pounds of crackers.

“Ding Dong! The Well is dead. Which old well? The Wicked Well!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Well is dead.
Wake up, you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Ding Dong, the Wicked Well is dead. It’s gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let’s open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’ the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Well is dead!”

Or so, they tell us.

Not that we doubt them, of course. They’ve been so accurate and truthful in the past.

And following up on the news that static clings…er…kills and mud jams have permanently killed the Deepwater Horizon Well, the guv’munt says everything’s gonna be okay.

“The government is expected to announce on Wednesday that three-quarters of the   oil   from the Deepwater Horizon leak has already evaporated, dispersed, been captured or otherwise eliminated — and that much of the rest is so diluted that it does not seem to pose much additional risk of harm,” reports today’s New York Times!

Even the President of the United States and the First Family will take a brief vacation to the Gulf Coast this weekend. I guess. Is that still on?

Nevermind, we can all go home now…those of us who still have homes…and jobs…and a way of life…and, okay, we still don’t know for sure how much damage this catastrophe has caused nor what permanent damage has been done to the Gulf of Mexico and its vast diversity of life.

I guess all that’s left are criminal charges and enormous fines!

But in the meantime, we can go back to hating each other.

Speaking of which, here come the Republicans, ever trying to top themselves for creating division and spawning fear and hatred just in time for elections!

We have some of Capitol Hill’s top GOPers saying maybe it’s time to revisit – or eliminate entirely – the 14 th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

You know the 14 th Amendment, of course, it’s the one which reads, “ All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.”

It’s also the one with the Equal Protection Clause which keeps states from enacting laws to discriminate against groups of people they don’t like. Its Due Process Clause says the Bill of Rights apply to everyone setting foot in the United States of America.

The 14 th Amendment was adopted in 1968, right after the Civil War by a Congress seeking to overturn the infamous Dred Scott Decision of the Supreme Court which held slaves – African-Americans – were not nor could ever be citizens of the land which held them in slavery.

But the ranking Republican in today’s U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, said over the weekend maybe it’s time to revisit that amendment. His sentiments were echoed by John Kyl of Arizona and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

"I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at," McConnell told The Hill newspaper.

Yes, yes indeed. And, hey senators, while you’re at it why not revisit the whole issue of slavery, too? Maybe what this country needs is another good civil war! Maybe that would excite the Republican base!

Seriously, are these people living in the same century as you and me?

BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lohan – whoever he is – has escaped from prison in Arizona!

No…wait…that’s not right.

Try again.

BREAKING NEWS: Three convicted murderers have escaped from prison in Arizona.

The Arizona Legislature immediately convened a special session to make prison escape and murder illegal.

The bill will also require each and every Arizonan to carry papers proving they are not murderers nor escaped prisoners nor Lindsay Lohan…whoever he is.

While Arizonans were busy worrying about brown-skinned people, two murderers escaped from an Arizona prison in an 18-wheeler – c’mon back, good buddy – and the help of a woman on the visitation list of one of the murderers.

This just in: one of the three has been captured in – not making this up – Rifle, Colorado.

The other two, indentified as Evelle and Gale Snoats, are reported to be searching for long-time friend, H.I. McDunnough.

Did they escape from prison?

“No’man,” explained Evelle Snoats. “We released ourselves on our own recognizance.”

“What Evelle here is tryin’ to say is that we felt the institutions no longer had anything to offer us,” added Gale.

The Unpainted Arizona raw furniture store chain has been put on high alert.

Okay, okay…seriously…much as been made in recent months of rising crime in Arizona, mostly blamed on brown-skinned people with too many vowels in their names.

And while FBI statistics show Arizona crime dropped by 12 percent in 2009 and 23 percent between 2004 and 2008, one would think politicians would rush to embrace the good news.

Not in Arizona.

U.S. Sen. John Kyl, R-Arizona, disputed the good news on the Sunday talking heads TeeVee Box shows, saying, “oh hell no, Arizona is the most dangerous place in ‘Murka and it’s all because of brown-skinned people. “ Or, something like that.

Actually, what he said was: “Well, that’s a gross generalization (crime is down). Property crimes are up. Certain violent crimes on certain parts of the citizenry are up. Phoenix is a very large source of kidnapping. It’s called the kidnapping capital of the United States. So, there’s a great deal of violence and crime associated with illegal immigrants.”

Oh yea…and that claim of Phoenix being the kidnapping capital of ‘Murka? A completely unsubstantiated claim, according to PolitFact:

“Neither the FBI nor the U.S. National Central Bureau of Interpol, an arm of the U.S. Department of Justice that serves as the United States’ representative to Interpol, could confirm that Phoenix has the second-highest frequency of kidnapping cases worldwide,” says the fact checking service.

Oh well, nevermind.

“Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”