It is Le Quatorze Juillet and Americans are storming the metaphorical Bastille!

At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

80 percent of Ohioans think LeBron James sucks.

100 percent of South Floridans think Lebron James is a superhero and the greatest basketball player of all time and are danged glad to see him in a Heat uniform.

50 percent of you think the American League sucks.

50 percent of you think the National League sucks, even though it finally won an All-Star game.

78.3 percent of you are glad we no longer have to listen to Vuvuzelas bogging on the TeeVee Box speakers.

46 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Democrat than a sucky Republican.

47 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Republican than a sucky Democrat.

Ah, yes…but 42 percent of you think Democrats are less sucky on economic issues while only 34 percent of you think Republicans are less sucky on economic issues.

62 percent of you think the Congress wouldn’t suck so bad if it extended unemployment benefits. Another 36 percent said Congress would suck worse.

60 percent of Southeast Alabamians say they don’t want a Teabagger representing them in the Congress.

100 percent of Mama Grizzlies don’t always know when something is wrong and only read about their daughters’ re-engagement to baby daddy Levi Johnston on the cover of US Weekly magazine.

Pastor Mark Elliott told the TEDGlobal 2010 Conference in Oxford ( England, not Mississippi) 80 percent of Americans believe in miracles.

First Lady Michelle Obama told the NAACP 80 percent of all Americans believe in Miracle Whip…and we should cut it out!

80 percent of all right-wing nut jobs believe First Lady Michelle Obama should leave our children alone and let them be fat.

55 to 60 percent of our food contains high fructose corn syrup.

Over the last 30 years, we’ve increased our consumption of high fructose corn syrup by 1000 percent.

In addition to making us fat, diabetic, lethargic and riddled with heart disease, .0000000003 percent of us (me) also think fructose makes us dumbasses.

Spain wins the World Cup; Lance clips a pedal and sees his Tour hopes dashed to the curb; the Gulf of Mexico continues filling up with oil and toxic chemicals and the Congress returns to Capitol Hill.

Quiz: which of these events presents the most disappointment and dread?

Answer: Mama Grizzlies.

(It was a trick question.)

What, exactly, is with the extremist right wing in this country and all the talk of animals and shootin’ guns and teeth-barin’ metaphors?

Seems to be working, though.

Sarah Palin compares right-wing female politicians to Mama Grizzlies and her political action committee raises nearly $1 million in the second quarter.

Nevada senatorial candidate Sharron Angle suggests armed revolt might be the answer to today’s troubled nation and she wins the GOP nomination.

Some winger fringe preacher says a Yellowstone National Park visitor killed by a bear is God’s revenge for researchers drugging the bear to study it…rather than killing it.

Then, of course, there is the famous admission by abortion extremist Neal Horsley that everyone growing up on a farm has sex with mules.

Oh…wait…that’s a different story.

Palin has long made the best out of animal metaphors, of course. Pit bulls and pigs with lipstick became a national phrases célèbre during the 2008 presidential campaign. So much so that, by golly, she’s stickin’ with it.

“I always think of the mama grizzly bears that rise up on their hind legs when somebody's coming to attack their cubs, to do something ADVERSE toward their cubs,” Palin recently told an adoring audience, not at a zoo.

“You thought pit bulls were tough, well you don't mess with the mama grizzlies. Look out, Washington, because there's a whole stampede of pink elephants crossin' the line and the ETA -- stampeding through -- is November 2nd, 2010. Lotta women, comin' together.”

Palin was, of course, comparing politicians and office-seekers who happen to be women – and right wing – to mama grizzlies. That’s sweet and all – and certainly a different view of women than one might get from, say, the National Organization of Women or Emily’s List.

Maybe just a few too many pink elephants stampeding along. Who knows?

“It seems like it's kind of a mom awakening in the last year and a half, where women are rising up and saying, 'No, we've had enough already.' Because moms kinda just know when something's wrong,” she said.

We all know when something’s wrong. One just can’t put lipstick on a pig and expect anyone to see it as anything but a pig.

Today and for the next few years, we’ll be reading from the King James edition of the South Beach Bible…

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Suck it, Cleveland. And you suck it, too, New York…losers.

Seriously, let me get his straight. You’re a 25-year-old superstar and you get to pick anywhere to play basketball for lots and lots of money and your choices are Cleveland, New York, Chicago and Miami. And you don’t pick Miami?

Do you realize basketball is played – mostly – in the winter? And, if you have the choice, you’d rather come home to Cleveland, New York or Chicago? Really? Seriously?

The Kardashian trollops have already announced they’re leaving their current NBA horses and will be happy to post up in the middle for the King James court. Don’t sweat it, LeBron. The Kardashians are trolls compared to the rest of the South Beach senoritas.

And back in Cleveland there is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth – what few there are. Forty-something guys in jacked up Monte Carlos are drivin’ around in old gym shorts and knee-high socks cussin’ and spittin’ and burnin’ Cavs swag in the streets. Stay classy, Cleveland.

The AP reports the left side of this morning’s Cleveland Plain Dealer front page is covered by a full-length image of James, in uniform, seen from behind as he walks away.

And up in New York, the Times reports this: “ Miami in pinstripes: the new evil empire.” Sour grapes for breakfast?

New York just arrogantly assumed LeBron would want to play in Madison Square Garden. Hey, yo, New York! Here’s a clue: Miami is the New York of the 21 st Century…but with better weather and beaches…and women. (And men, for that matter.)

Cavalier’s owner Dan Gilbert might have provided some insight as to why LeBron chose to leave that erudite and lovely city this screed posted to the Cav’s website last night (originally posted in Comic San Serif typeface...no kidding):

“Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight,” wrote Gilbert.

“ As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

“ This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you….

“You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE

“ You can take it to the bank.  

“ If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our ‘motivation’ to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

“ This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.

“ But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

“ The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. Just watch.”

Nice. Real nice. Literate, too.

The only problem is there is no such thing as bad karma on Ocean Drive. LeBron, Bosh & Flash. Someone’s already termed them: “the Miami Slam Machine.”

Although it may have gone relatively unnoticed in all the media hype over some guy named Lindsey Lohan, carnival sideshow barker Douche Limpbranch must be back on the radio.

You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

“There was not a recession (in 2008),” proclaimed the Douche only yesterday, as he babbled on, blaming the Obama Administration for the recession which didn’t happen then but is happening now.

Oh sure, rewriting history is nothing new to the right-wing fringe and the Douche is a master at it but, you see, the Douche has a problem.

No, not the obvious ones. He has a career problem. No, not the obvious ones. This one is serious.

To attract attention in Crazy Town, one has to be the bright and shiny object. The Douche was that bright and shiny object for many years. He had his hey-day railing against the Clintons back in the 90s and Bill gave him the perfect gift: a cigar and an intern.

But those glory days are long gone and other bright and shiny objects keep popping up in Crazy Town, getting brighter and shinier…and crazier…all the time. The competition is, unlike Douche without Viagra, stiff.

Gin BecksBeer, the Douche’s main rival high-jacked the Crazy Train some time ago. His rants make the Douche look like Mr. Rogers on anti-depressants.

And even though the audience and advertisers have been fleeing Gin BecksBeer radio and TV shows like rats scurrying from a sinking ship, ol’ Gin continues to get crazier and crazier.

And, of course, the Douche’s ego can’t allow anyone to be crazier so he must, in turn, ratchet up the nonsense; get even shinier in Crazy Town; catapult the propaganda, as G.W. Bush might say.

So, now that’s he back he’s gonna dig deep into his bag of nonsense to tell us stuff like, Obama “wouldn’t have been voted President if he weren’t black.”

And, “ If Obama weren't black he'd be a tour guide in Honolulu."

And, yes, in case you’re wondering: crazy, racism and poor grammar often go together.

Thank heavens, according to the Douche, we needn’t worry about the GOP and its future with Michael Steele in charge and telling us how Obama started the war in Afghanistan.

The center of the universe, says the Douche, is not the Republican National Committee.

“Its right here,” said the Douche. “The head of the RNC is not the Republican leader. He’s not the conservative leader. That’s me.”

OOOHHH…look…shiny!

Okay, boys & girls, now that your heads are clearing from the sulfur haze of bottle-rockets, here’s a Fourth of July Quiz for you:

Question: When Jesus threw the bankers out of the temple and established the US of A, the Pharaoh who let my people go was ruler over which Egyptian country?

Please submit your answers to: www.howcanIbesuchamoron?.com

And don’t worry if you get the answer wrong, you’ll be in the company of just over one-quarter of good, decent, hard-working Americans who don’t know from which country this particular country declared its independence back on Fourth of July, 1776.

That’s right. According to a Marist College poll of 1,004 Americans taken at the end of June, 26 percent of those polled have no idea how this nation was founded.

Some even suggested the Founding Fathers declared independence from Mexico, China, Spain or France.

And here’s the worst part, that 26 percent of Americans may be voting or breeding!

Maybe it’s time to review that precious document, the Declaration of Independence.

It’s a short document, amazing considering its consequence. Its second paragraph is without a doubt the most elegant statement of human rights ever penned.

WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT…

That means everything in that paragraph ought to be obvious to everybody.

THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL;

Now, in those days, they meant what they wrote – “all men” – are created equal. They didn’t mean “all men,” as in slaves or Native Americans. They mean all white men, just like themselves.

‘Course, nowadays we know it’s right to include all women, too, and all people, no matter the color of skin or walk of faith or sexual identity or national origin or anything else: all people. It just took us a while and, unfortunately, several wars – including one big one against ourselves – to realize that particular self-evident truth. Some folks still can’t understand it.

THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR WITH CERTAIN INALIENABLE RIGHTS;

That word, “inalienable,” means that endowed rights can’t be changed or altered by anybody, for any reason. We forget that sometimes. And notice, too, it says, “by their creator.” Whomever or whatever that may be, according to citizens’ own beliefs.

THAT AMONG THESE (RIGHTS) ARE LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS;

That passage right there is the cornerstone of these United States of America. It can be a controversial passage today because some folks try to twist it to their own political purposes. But is seems clear to me: ALL FOLKS, ALL PEOPLE have an automatic right to live their lives free and happy. It is the simplest, yet most compelling argument ever given for dignity and human rights.

It does not, however, give us a “right” to pursue our own “happiness” on the backs of others; exploiting them for our own selfish purposes. “Pursuit of happiness” means, just as the ancient Hebrew prophet Micah suggested, we should all have an even chance at sitting contentedly, peacefully under our own fig tree.

It is an idea borne of the Enlightenment, of Locke and Descartes; the notion of the supremacy of the individual above all else. “I think, therefore I am.” “Don’t Tread on Me.”

It is a uniquely Western thought, taken to its limits by the American experiment. There is, alternatively and worthy of serious consideration, the African concept, “Ubuntu,” which suggests supremacy is not found in the individual but, rather, in the community. Perhaps we could better practice that concept through this next part:

THAT TO SECURE THESE RIGHTS, GOVERNMENTS ARE INSTITUTED AMONG MEN, DERIVING THEIR JUST POWERS FROM THE CONSENT OF THE GOVERNED.

Anarchy can’t secure rights. Governments must do that. It is an idea as old as Plato. Beware of so-called leaders who belittle a government’s authority to protect the rights of the otherwise unprotected.

The American experiment added the concept which suggested the only legitimate government is the one that gets its power from the people it governs. That was a radical idea back in 1776, given voice by the likes of Thomas Paine debating Edmund Burke. Given the present state of government in the U.S. of A., it’s almost as radical today – at least to many of the men and women now in Washington.

THAT WHEN ANY GOVERNMENT BECOME DESTRUCTIVE OF THESE ENDS, IT IS THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO ALTER OR TO ABOLISH IT, AND TO INSTITUTED NEW GOVERNMENT, LAYING ITS FOUNDATION ON SUCH PRINCIPLES, AND ORGANIZING ITS POWERS IS SUCH FORM AS TO THEM SHALL SEEM MOST LIKELY TO EFFECT THEIR SAFETY AND HAPPINESS.

If we don’t like the government, we can change it – so long as we continue to hold those to those basic, self-evident truths and irrevocable rights.

That’s it, isn’t it? We have a Creator-given right to revolt if our government is interfering with our rights…to happiness…to privacy…to health?

It’s hard, sometimes, for our elected officials to remember they are in office because we sent them. We may not have contributed thousands of dollars to their campaigns. But we voted for them. They work for us. The small minority who gave them thousands of dollars should not control them. They work for us: the people.

It is hard being an American democrat, sometimes. We tend to get set in our ways; protective of the power that comes with elective office and lazy when it comes to standing up for our rights.

It is We the People who have the inalienable rights. Politicians govern only with our consent.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, all you (us) 1.3 million Americans out of work and unable to get unemployment benefits because 41 U.S. Senators won’t let you!!

Have a great holiday! Should be plenty of leftover food to steal at the holiday parties of rich people – like those senators - all celebrating their independence, big houses and expensive foreign cars!

You see, the senators – 40 Republicans and one Democrat - want you to be independent for Independence Day! They want you to be independent of money. They want you to be independent of food. They want you to be independent self-esteem and of the basic necessities of life!

As a matter of fact, they want you to just suck it.

Once again, just before laying Sen. Robert Byrd to rest, the mostly Republican minority in the Senate blocked an extension of unemployment benefits to 1.3 million of us. Oh, and by the way, most of those unemployment benefits ran out at the first of June and Republicans have been blocking them all month long. Others ran out Wednesday.

Oh sure, they tell you they keep trying to make you suffer more because it will make you stronger but mostly because, they say, they don’t want to add to the nation’s debt.

"The only reason the unemployment extension hasn't passed is because Democrats simply refuse to pass a bill that doesn't add to the debt," said Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, in some kind of weird Republican-only mind-twisting logic.

But they don’t really give a damn about the federal debt.

“Deficits don’t matter,” famously said for Vice-President Dick Cheney, as his administration took the nation from the budget surplus left by President Clinton to the largest deficit in history as we spent willy-nilly to wage two unnecessary wars.

Naw, these GOP dream-killers are only interested in making sure the economy falls back into the depths of recession we faced when George Bush left office. It’d be good for them because they don’t want President Obama to get any credit for getting the nation back on the road to recovery.

It’s better politics for them, they reason, if Americans are angry and bitter. Angry and bitter works better for GOP politics because, well, they don’t really have policies of their own to promote. They’re happier and more productive politically when verbally fire-bombing the body politic out here in the hinterlands and procedurally fire-bombing the process on Capitol Hill.

Is this a great country or what?

This is precise what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they signed the Declaration of Independence 234 years ago on Sunday, particularly when in their indictments of King George, they included:

“ He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.”

The Founding Fathers didn’t know at the time the new Senate of the United States they would envisioned would include 41 King Georges a couple of centuries down the road.