BP backed off its first junk shot and after a rest and, maybe, some protein will try another junk shot.

It’s a hard business.

BP or “Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans” will get a visit today from President Obama. He will, no doubt, kick their corporate ass before donning his Aquaman suit, swimming down 5,000 feet and plugging the volcano himself with one of the whale carcasses he may find.

Probably gonna be a lot of junk shots today.

After all, the President took full responsibility yesterday, explaining the federal government’s been in charge of this fiasco from day one. That was, of course, before he realized BP decided on its own to pull out of the initial junk shot leaving us all disappointed and unfulfilled.

"I take responsibility,” said the President during an afternoon presser. “It is my job to make sure that everything is done to shut this down. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. That doesn't mean it's going to happen right away or the way I'd like it to happen. That doesn't mean we aren't going to make mistakes."

Then he told us even his 11-year-old daughter, Malia, is concerned.

"You know, when I woke up this morning and I'm shaving, and Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she says, 'did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?'"

No, sweetie, Daddy didn’t plug the hole, yet.

But, hey, the good news is officials of Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans described this disaster of Biblical proportions as – not making this up – an “environmental catastrophe.”

Thanks Tony Hayward, head of BP in ‘Murka, for upgrading your assessment from “a modest spill.”

Lots of junk shots today.

Fearful of losing headline attention, Sarah Palin is tweeting (again, can’t make this up): “ I never say drill,baby,drill. Ahh, that's much of the problem, Mr.President, Drill ANWR & unlock land for safe onshore devlpmnt/energy security.”

Seriously?

Speaking of mouthing off, where’s Dick Cheney been? He’s always good for a quote about the Obama Administration. No? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Oh yea, that’s right…his, um, cozy and helpful relationship with the oil industry just might share a teeny-tiny bit of the blame for all this. Maybe, once the Gulf of Mexico is dead, we can rename the aquatic wasteland, the Gulf of Dick.

But the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana are going right ahead with their 75th Annual Shrimp & Petroleum Festival.

“All systems are go,” said Lee Delaune, the festival’s director to the New York Times. “We will honor the two industries as we always do. More so probably in grand style, because it’s our diamond jubilee.”

More so probably because as an added treat, the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana can pick up shrimp coated in oil right off the boats! Good for deep fryin’.

Dear Mr. President,

I’m sure you read about this in the news:

The Gulf of Mexico is being strangled to death and with it all the living creatures who call it home.

The Gulf is being strangled to death by oil, greed, politics, inaction and a lack of imagination. But mostly it’s the oil. Consumptive greed is but the root cause.

We need your help.

We don’t need commissions and investigations and anger. We already have plenty of frustration and anger, enough to last for a long time.

We need action. We need to, first, stop the hemorrhaging. We need, first, to stop the volcano of oil. There will be plenty of time later for commissions and investigations and finger pointing and, maybe, arrests and prosecutions.

A lot of people, these days, find it somehow satisfying to shout about smaller government. They are foolish and small-minded. What we need right now is just about the biggest federal government we can imagine.

We need all the power and resources and energy and creativity of our people brought together by government to stop this disaster and stop it now.

The death of the Gulf of Mexico would mean the death of our region and if our region dies can our nation survive?

Mr. President. I voted for you and I support you. With tears of joy streaming down my cheeks as the historic importance of that vote swept over me, I cast my ballot with a political hope I’d long ago forgotten.

I want you to succeed. You were handed the worse national troubles since Hoover turned over the White House to Roosevelt in 1930. It could not have been much worse. We understand that and you’re digging us out of that dreadful hole and we’re grateful.

But, Mr. President, all your good works will be for naught if the Gulf of Mexico is destroyed.

The nation gets 30 percent of its seafood from the Gulf of Mexico. Nearly 20 percent of the Gulf is now closed to fishing. We may be testing Gulf seafood for contamination for a decade or longer.

Less than 30 percent of our oil comes from the Gulf. That’s a dreadful trade-off.

But it’s not just about the seafood. It’s about a natural resource so profoundly important our human minds cannot fully comprehend it. It’s about wildlife, sure, and fish and marine mammals and countless plants and animals.

But it’s also about people, the people of the Gulf of Mexico; millions and millions of people who – for one reason or another – are so intrinsically tied to the Gulf of Mexico that it is part of them. And we are part of it.

Allowing the Gulf of Mexico to die is allowing us to die – all of us, all living creatures through whose very being flows the Gulf of Mexico.

Mr. President, allowing the Gulf of Mexico to be strangled will be – and is – a crime of the highest magnitude.

The United States of America is better than that. We can soar to the moon and back. We can create astounding advances in technology, energy, medicine, compassion.

We need you now. We elected you to right a sinking ship of state. Act now and be the captain we elected you to be. We cannot save a ship from the bottom of a dead sea.

Respectfully,
The People of the Gulf of Mexico.

Rand Paul says he would’ve voted against making Woolworth’s open lunch counters to black folks and thinks the government goes too far by requiring ramps near stairs for wheelchairs.

Sarah Palin thinks asking a politician about such matters is gotcha-journalism like, you know, when she was asked, “what newspapers do you read?” (Remember answer? “All of ‘em.”)

The Gulf of Mexico continues filling up with oil and chemicals.

Let’s hope this week is better…or, at least, a little less stupid.

That’s right, I said it: stupid. Just plain stupid; meaning: dumb, dim, think, dense, slow, dull, brainless, obtuse, foolish, silly, daft.

Perhaps Palin is simply pissed because someone finally knocked her off the cover of Dumb Politicians Monthly magazine. Oops, sorry, but it’s time to move on to the next season of “American Idiot Idol.”

Richard “yea, sure, I served in Vietnam…with my wife, Morgan Fairchild” Blumenthal can give ‘em a run for their money.

Yea, that’s the ticket.

It’s one thing to be really mush-brained but think you have all the answers and put them out there in public for all the world to see and hear.

But it’s a whole other level of dumbass to go out there in public and defend dumbass, blame it one someone else or – especially – the media.

But let’s be honest, we’ve no shortage of publicly expressed dumbassiness. Remember these?

“Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well.” – FEMA Director Michael Brown on his heckuva job in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” – Dan Quayle.

“We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush's term.” – Bush White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

Know what? Maybe, for once, I agree with what Douche Limpbranch said on his dumbass radio show back in February:

“Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.”

Okay, at least some of our politicians have a standard to which they can aspire.

Oh, and did I mention the best guess estimate is over 35 million gallons of oil in the Gulf of Mexico…AND COUNTING!!

Dumbass.

It’s been a month.

The Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded on April 20. An oil volcano 5,000 feet below, on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico, has been gushing hundred of thousands of gallons of oil for 30 days.

Chemicals poured into the lethal mix to disperse the oil add to toxic stew.

Will the Gulf of Mexico survive this gross negligence?

Almost 20 percent of the Gulf of Mexico is now closed to fishing.

BP & the U.S. government have maintained all along the gusher has bee pouring 210,000 gallons of oil and gas each day into the Gulf. The evidence is now pretty clear: the rate is more like 1.1 million gallons each day – or close to 33 million gallons since the explosion occurred.

Why is this travesty not being treated as criminal negligence? Why are the top officials of BP, Transocean and Halliburton still walking around as free men? Why have then not been placed into custody?

Why has the U.S. government not seized the assets of those companies? Why have they not been shut down? Why have the assets of those companies not be placed into a trust to immediately begin saving the Gulf’s wildlife and provide assistance to the hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast residents whose communities and livelihoods have been – or will soon be – decimated by this travesty?

Why has the full force of the federal government, even the military if necessary, not been called in to stop this murder of one of the world’s great oceans?

Seriously.

We go crazy over terrorism. We stand on chairs and scream bloody murder because we fear some poor, barely-surviving Mexican might be within our borders without proper authorization. We rant incessantly about meaningless ideologies of right vs. left. We threaten financial institutions and – maybe, just maybe – pretend to have reined them in.

By its own figures, BP earned $5.6 billion in profits in the first quarter of 2010, a 135 percent increase over profits of the 2009 First Quarter. It earned $17 billion in profits in all of 2009.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in the Citizens United case corporations should be treated as individuals, allowed to give as much money as they wished to politicians and office-seekers.

If corporations are now to be treated as individuals why should we not seize BP, Transocean & Halliburton? Why should the officers of those corporations not be arrested and charged with high crimes?

How long will this disaster be allowed to continue without a day of reckoning for those responsible and restitution made for the damage?

What is the price that should be paid if the Gulf of Mexico is destroyed?

So, Sestak made a spectre outa Specter.

In Arkansas, Halter made Lincoln blanch.

A teabagger who’s kinda not really a teabagger kicked GOP ass for the Senate in Kentucky but didn’t even get as many votes as did the Democratic loser.

And John Murtha’s ghost and former staffer, Mark Critz, takes his seat in Pennsylvania thereby proving no one knows what they’re talking about – ever – when it comes to election predictions.

That about sums it up for May 18 primary election day in the US of A.

To be sure, everyone’s claiming victory and, well, isn’t that what primary elections are all about? All the pundits are saying they’re right about this being the year of the anti-incumbent. The GOP is claiming victory, even though it’s a pyhhric victory at best. The Democrats don’t know WHAT to think…

…mostly because Specter made fools of them all and their golden boy in Connecticut turns out to be a big fat liar…just like Republicans.

With the exception of the Sestak and Halter performances, it was overall a pretty dang embarrassing day. Seriously, is this the best we can do?

Here’s a novel idea: Hey, politicians and office seekers! Why don’t you try being honest and authentic??? Hmmm??

Just a thought.

There is some good news for Washington, however. The nation’s capital is absolutely guaranteed to get some fresh young talent: the Washington Wizards, the semi-professional NBA team, gets first pick of the top college players come draft day.

And speaking of fresh young talent, it’s a pretty safe bet that’s not who took down U.S. Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana. I mean, really. The question must be raised: “who the hell would want to see that guy naked? Seriously.

Meanwhile, oil continues filling up the Gulf of Mexico. “Jane! How do you stop this crazy machine?!!”

We really don’t know, exactly, how much oil is gushing from the underwater oil volcano. I guess, maybe, we’ll figure it out when the Gulf gets topped off.

There is good new, though. The U.S. Coast Guard now says the tar balls found along the Key West shoreline over the weekend are definitely not from the northern Gulf oil spill. Not the same kind of oil, says the Coast Guard.

Mostly likely the remains of a few tourists who didn’t survive a Duval crawl.

Which brings us, finally, to Miss USA and her pole dancing skills. It seems there is still a lot we Westerners don’t understand about Islam. She was, for the record, facing east in those pole dancing photos and, clearly, she sticks to a serious regime of fitness. Few Christian or Jewish pole dancers have looked that good.

This simply demonstrates the wide diversity of views within Islam. And I think we can all appreciate a faith with elasticity.

An “emerging, conservative, feminist identity” is what Sarah Palin said late last week of a group of women opposed to women making their own choices on reproductive health.

The failed national office seeker who walked off the job – quit – as Alaska’s governor delivered a stirring call to action at a breakfast meeting of the Susan B. Anthony List.

“ "The mama grizzlies, they rise up," she said, to laughter, according to the Washington Post.

"You thought pit bulls are tough. You don't want to mess with the mama grizzlies. And I think there are a whole lot of those in this room."

The grizzlies gathered in the room for the Susan B. Anthony List oppose the right of women to seek abortions. Nevermind that Susan B. Anthony was, herself, the ultimate advocate for women’s rights.

Palin went to tell the group of her own personal struggle when she discovered she was pregnant with a Down Syndrome child. She made the choice, she said, and now Trig is a blessing to her family. Ah, yes, the choice.

This would be good for conservatives to embrace feminism and equal rights for everyone!

He could see the Heritage Foundation create a new American Civility Rights Union or the American Enterprise Institute pledge to work with the American Conscience of Rights, Naturally.

We could even see a National Rifle Association convention where no one is allowed to be bring guns. We could text our votes to elect our first Miss USA who also happens to be Muslim.

Okay, okay…probably just dreaming.

We have big elections coming up tomorrow. At least the punditry is telling us they are big. There will be a lot of talk over the next 48 hours about anti-incumbent fervor…hey, it’s mid-terms, what else do we have to talk about?

Pennsylvania : Tried and true Democratic U.S. Rep. Joe Sestak, a retired Admiral, is neck and neck with Democratic wannabe and veteran U.S. Senator Arlen Specter.

Arkansas : Maybe-she’s-too-Moderate Sen. Blanche Lincoln is facing a tough primary battle from Lt. Gov. Bill Halter, a favorite of slight more progressive people in the Democratic Primary.

Kentucky : Rand Paul, Libertarian Dentist and son of U.S. Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, appears headed for a victory in the Republican Primary for U.S. Senate to replace the retiring and certifiably whacky former major league pitcher Jim Bunning.

These primary battle and many others are sure to give everyone something to crow about.