POTUS sends Republican Mormon to China, U.S. cars may actually become more fuel-efficient, Californians vote for economic Armageddon, former SecDef talks to former POTUS in Bible cartoons and the speaker of Parliament is sent off to the Tower.

Okay, boys and girls put down your pencils and pay attention. We'll try to sort out all this crazy nonsense.

President Barack Obama quashed all the secret-Muslim talk once and for all Tuesday and revealed he's secretly a Republican and secretly a Mormon by appointing Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman as U.S. Ambassador to China. Huntsman, elected to his second term in November, is fluent in Mandarin, was national co-chair of John McCain's campaign and was viewed by some as a possible moderate GOP challenger to Obama in 2012.

By sending him to China, Obama pretty much takes Huntsman out of the 2012 presidential race, which was a slick move, and delights some Mormon faithful who see this as a chance to spread LDS to the Forbidden City. A Utah state representative wrote on his blog Huntsman's appointment will "bode well for the LDS church's mission to spread the Gospel throughout the world" since China does not currently allow Mormon missionaries. This has all the makings of a really good outcome.

President Obama is expected to announce soon he will send Mitt Romney to Outer Mongolia.

Nearly everyone associated with the U.S. auto industry gathered in the White House Rose Garden on Tuesday to race the Pine Wood Derby and snicker behind President Obama as he announced an agreement to produce by 2016 cars that get 35.5 miles per gallon of whatever the heck we'll be burning in car engines by 2016. This is, of course, assuming anyone will still be able to afford to buy a new car in 2016 and that car manufacturers are still in business in 2016.

Not everyone was happy with the agreement, however. Noted radio windbag Douche Limpbranch was overheard saying the 35 mph standard is just Obama's way of saying he thinks America is evil. Okay, sure, makes sense.

Six of the 10 Californians who bothered to vote on Tuesday cast ballots to go ahead and send their state into what some California legislators called "economic Armageddon" by rejecting five of the six ballots measures aimed at keeping that state afloat through the end of the year. The single measure to win approval of those six California voters was a measure to limit pay raises for California legislators. California Govinator Ah-nold Schwarzenegger immediately announced he would release some state prisoners to become teachers in the state's public school system as a cost-cutting measure.

A spokesman for former Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld absolutely denied Tuesday reports published in Gentlemen's Quarterly magazine that Rumsfeld is a snappy dresser.

No, wait, that's not right. The Rumsfeld spokesman, Keith Urbahn – not to be confused with the country singer by nearly the same name – denied GQ reportage that Rummy confused and delighted former President Bush by sending him reports on the Iraq invasion illustrated with Bible cartoons and made up scripture readings.

The current GQ issue contains a story and photo spread said to show Iraq invasion reports with cover page photos of tanks and military assault rifles and stuff juxtaposed with verses from the New Testament. You know, things like, "blessed are the peacemakers."

Urbahn said only somebody like you (GQ) would write such a thing and Rummy never saw those report covers. He said some whacked-out crazy general prepared those covers and that in fact had Rummy actually gazed on Biblical quotations his eyes and skin would have immediately burned.

And, finally, an expanding scandal in the British Parliament led yesterday to the resignation of Michael Martin as Speaker of the House of Commons. Martin became the first speaker in 300 years to resign from the post. He's lucky because rather than resigning, some of his predecessors had been be-headed.

Investigative reporters (remember those?) in Britain have been uncovering wide-spread abuse and misuse of taxpayer funds by members of Parliament who used public monies to pay for a wide range of personal expenses, everything from the purchase of Kit-Kat bars to porn movies to evenings at the Kit-Kat Club.

Martin wasn't the only casualty of the scandal, though. M.P. Douglas Hogg (not making that up) also announced his resignation. Mr. Hogg, a former Conservative Party cabinet minister was said to have submitted to the Exchequer a $3,400 claim for the cost of cleaning the mote at his country estate.

Yes, quite.

To quote the immoral philosopher, Stephen Wright: "Is it weird in here or is it just me?"

President Obama takes on the Fightin' Irish, Republicans try to rename Democrats and in the nerd moment to beat all nerd moments space station astronauts watch the new Star Trek movie.

Is this a great country or what?

Despite protests from some open-minded Roman Catholics, President Obama delivered the commencement speech Sunday at Notre Dame University and asked the single most important question on everyone's mind: "Is Jimmy Clausen gonna get any better at quarterback in his sophomore season?"

No, wait. That's not right. Football didn't even come up Sunday at Notre Dame because everyone was focused on what women can and can't do with their own bodies, which is somewhat ironic considering the graduating class has just been through four years of college.

The President's commencement address at Notre Dame boiled up blood pressures in the E.R. (Extreme Rightwing) because he holds this cockamamie view that women should make their own decisions about reproductive health. Notre Dame University is, apparently, connected to the Roman Catholic Church and official Vatican doctrine and many fundamentalist Romans believe the government should step in and dictate a woman's decision on reproductive health; a view also tinged with irony given the American conservative view that government should stay out of people's lives.

To his credit, Obama addressed the controversy head-on saying he believes Fightin' Irish fans should give Clausen a chance to mature at quarterback and Coach Charlie Weiss should be careful about legislating from the bench.

No, wait, that's not right either.

Seriously, in what's clearly become the Obama style, the President called on everyone in the abortion debate to respect the other side's position, avoid angry rhetoric and seek common ground on ways to reduce the number of abortions by reducing the number of unintended pregnancies, making adoption more available and caring better for women who decide to carry to term. (How CAN he be so outlandish?)

Hell, no! Answered the E.R. One leading Roman Rightwing Loudmouth, some guy named Donahue (not Phil), said Notre Dame's decision to bestow on President Obama an honorary degree was like Howard University granting a degree to noted Klu Kluxer David Duke.

Really, he said that. You see, Howard University is a well-respected university known historically for educating African-American students who weren't allowed in predominately Caucasian universities and, so, the guy was pointing out to us a whole bunch of nasty stuff in a complete non-sequitur which ended up telling us little more than what an ass this guy Donahue is. Plus, it was a very poor analogy because Howard doesn't have near the historic football program of Notre Dame.

In other news, the Republican National Committee is set this week to consider a resolution to change the name of the Democratic Party to the Democrat Socialist Party.

The Democratic National Committee is said to be considering a counter move to rename Republicans the Bunch O' Absolute Dweebs Party. To his credit, GOP Chair Michael Steele said he will oppose the resolution, saying something about how if adopted it would make the Republican Party seem even goofier than it's already become.

And, finally, you gotta love this Most Glorious Nerd Moment of All-Time: American, Russian and Japanese astronauts huddled with the lights dim in a node of the International Space Station over the weekend to watch the new Star Trek movie. To make it better, though, they really should have had a Scottish astronaut in the mix.

That's all well and good but really, guys, wearing the pointed ears was a bit much don't ya think?

My question is this: did they PAY for that movie? The answer is no. It was…wait for it…beamed up to them from Houston. And there is no truth to the rumor that when the movie started without sound one of the astronauts radioed, "Houston, we have a problem."

As the immortal philosopher Mr. Spock once said, "Live long and prosper."

It is with shock and horror we must report to you today a high-ranking elected official in Washington, D.C. – our nation's capital – says the Central Intelligence Agency lied to her and other high-ranking elected officials.

What a world…what a world! If you can't believe the CIA just exactly who can you believe?

U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Californ-i-a, said Thursday the CIA was, um, less than forthright back in 2002 when they neglected to mention a little matter about torture and waterboarding of prisoners captured in Afghanistan.

Pelosi, you see, has been criticized by House Republican leaders for being complicit in torture by remaining silent back in 2002 when she knew full well waterboarding had become the parlor game of the day.

Immediately after Pelosi's news conference, the CIA issued the following statement: "Waterboarding? Oh goodness, we misunderstood Congresswoman Pelosi's question back in 2002. We thought she asked us about SURF boarding and we answered truthfully that, no, we didn't take prisoners surfing; not at all. No. It's a good thing, too, she didn't ask us about waterboarding 'cause we'd just nearly drown this one dude about 80 times."

House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio-And-Tanning-Parlors-All-Across-America, also immediately issued a statement calling Pelosi a liar for calling the CIA a liar.

He said he just couldn't imagine any agency of the U.S. government – particularly the chief spy agency of the U.S. government – giving any kind of false information to a member of Congress or anyone else for that matter.

Yea, that IS a little hard to believe.

And speaking of brown-skinned people, the government of Mexico says because of the econopacalypse fewer Mexicans are heading to the U.S. in search of jobs paying $7.25 an hour.

"Hell, we can't even GIVE away bus tickets to Nogales," said one high-ranking Mexican official.

This is going to present a number of problems. To begin with, how is Lou Dobbs gonna waste a full hour of time on the TeeVee Box each night?

Second, with all the extra time on their hands xenophobes across America are going to be forced to turn their fear and hatred toward some other group and we all know it's just a matter of time before they start hating themselves and all other white people.

Third, who the hell is my Uncle Roscoe gonna get to mow his lawn and clean his house? Oh, wait, I don't have a job any more…maybe…naw."

And finally, noted radio sideshow and carnival barker, Douche Limpbranch, used his own addiction to explain to a caller why liberals and Democrats want power.

Addiction, he said, makes one entirely unreasonable and irrational. From his studio clearly devoid of mirrors, he said liberals and Democrats, particularly Hollywood liberals, are addicted to power and fame.

"The addiction to power and dominance and control is what drives them," he said. "And the thing about addiction is it can never be satisfied."

So, even though they have all the power now, liberals and Democrats are still not happy until they achieve total power, dominance and control.

Torture, wire-taps, voter fraud, the elimination of habeas corpus, a wrecked economy; it's a good thing our nation is currently in rehab.

As the immoral philosopher and poet, Allen Ginsberg, once wrote, "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the…streets at dawn looking for an angry fix."

Go be nice to yourself and others for the weekend. Peace.

The good, gay times.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist will run for the U.S. Senate, former Veep-Dick Cheney goes suddenly chatty and the Pope crusades through the Holy Land!

Is all this connected in some weird way? Sure it is but, trust me, you're better off not knowing.

Florida is in for some good gay times over the next 18 months as the gang assembles to fill the hole left in the U.S. Senate by Sen. Mel Martinez's retirement after one term in the world's most exclusive club. Florida Gov. Charlie Crist - a lightning rod to some, a Republican to others - confirmed years of speculation Tuesday by announcing he will seek that seat.

Crist's opponent in the Republican Primary, former state house speaker Marco Rubio of Miami, wasted no time hitting on Crist for being too close to President Obama, not being a "real" Republican and, well, gay. Okay, okay, Rubio (campaign theme: "Marco…POLO…Marco…POLO!) didn't actually come out and SAY Crist is gay. He'll get around to that soon enough. But a rushed-to-TeeVeeBox ad says Crist supports "trillions in reckless spending, borrowed money from China, a mountain of debt for our children."

The 30-second spot ends by showing a picture of Crist and President Obama about to embrace, lips pursed, oh so tenderly.

Crist entered politics in the early 1990s after twice failing the Florida Bar Exam, passing it on the third try. He quickly made a name for himself – "Chain Gang Charlie," to be precise – by advocating a return to the use of forced prison labor along the roadsides and since then he's never met a higher office he didn't like. He's never been popular among wing-nut GOPers because he's considered a moderate, which to wing-nut GOPers is the same thing as being a comm-a-niss. He really pissed ‘em off earlier this year when he appeared with Obama at a Florida town hall stop and fully embraced the President's, well, federal stimulus.

Rumors of his alleged gaiety have long been based on the question, "how can a single guy be that good-looking, that tanned, that clean and meticulous and NOT be gay?" I don't know about gay but he's always seemed cheerful enough. Nonetheless, Crist announced his engagement – to a woman – in 2008 just as his name was being mentioned prominently for the Veep spot on the Republican ticket with John McCain.

Crist and Carole Rome were married in December so that should put an end to the gay rumors. Right?

Maybe someday, in some land far, far away being gay won't be considered an electoral liability. Hey, it could happen. I mean, really, why should it matter?

In the meantime, though, you can bet your butt Crist opponents will keep it up with the gay cracks and innuendo on the down-low.

Oh…yea…and I apologize for that "Marco…POLO" crack, earlier. It's profiling to say all Floridians know how to swim. And profiling is wrong.

Speaking of gay bashing, Faux News TeeVeeBox Babbler Snarl O'Really says allowing gay marriage will lead directly to people wanting to marry turtles. Seriously, he said that. Sure, makes sense. What the shell?

In the meantime, former Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a lesbian daughter and doesn't seem to mind that at all, has suddenly become very loquacious after spending his years as Veep locked away in an undisclosed location allegedly plotting to take over the world.

Appearing in as many interviews lately as Carter has little liver pills, Cheney has one message for the American public: "Loook, I am your faa-tha." No, wait, that's not right.

Cheney wants us to know neither he, nor anyone remotely associated with the Bush Administration ever ordered anyone to be tortured (except, of course, for the American people). And if they DID order anyone to be tortured – which they didn't - well, then, by golly, the torture worked and millions of lives were saved because of it.

Thanks, Dick, for clearing this up for us. Gee, we thought torture was immoral and illegal and heinous and an abomination to all humankind from the get-go.

Finally, in an attempt to mend broken barbed-wire fences, Pope Benedict is touring Israel this week and the trip is going well. I mean, really, why would we expect any problems in Israel for a German-born Pope who recently un-excommunicated (re-communicated?) a bishop known for his anti-Semitic, Holocaust-denying views? Naw…smooth trip. Just a suggestion for his Holiness: I think I'd spend A LOT of time on my knees while in Israel.

As the great immoral philosopher, the Rt. Rev. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson once said, "it never got weird enough for me!"