Headline: Size of Oil Spill Underestimated, Scientists Say.

Headline: U.S. Said to Allow Drilling Without Needed Permits.

Headline: Gulf Coast Battles Oil Spill with Big Bags of Hair.

Headline: Pogo Points and Says, “Told You So.”

Seriously, it’s time – yet again – for quite a bit of righteous indignation bordering on anger.

It’s going to be a long, slow summer for the Gulf of Mexico and its inhabitants. The Gulf oil spill has been called a slow motion disaster but a disaster nonetheless.

And it didn’t have to happen. We all bear some responsibility. I loved my little 40 th Anniversary Edition Mustang GT Turbo convertible with huge woofers in the trunk. But it was amazingly selfish.

We’ve all done it: thought first of our own pleasure and convenience.

Now, we’re collecting hair to sop up oil from the beaches of the Gulf Coast. We’re donating hair as a penance for our sins.

It’s come to that. Its 2010, the 21 st Century. We have unbelievable technology at our fingertips and we using bags of hair to soak up a disaster of Biblical proportions.

Doods, this is nuckin’ futs!

You’ll remember initial estimates of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill suggested it was gushing 1,000 gallons of oil each day.

Nope, came the revised estimates. It’s more like 5,000 gallons a day.

Now, according to the New York Times, it the spill could actually be gushing 20,000 to 25,000 gallons of oil each day into the Gulf of Mexico.

And no one knows how to stop it.

Oh, but not to worry. We’re gonna put a cork in it or, maybe, dress it up with a top hat. Maybe we should ask one of the sperm whales living nearby to simply stick its tail up the pipe. You know, take one for the mammal team.

Or, maybe, plug up the leading pipe with smashed up Hummers.

And while BP, Transocean and – yes – Halliburton fight to limit their responsibility for this disaster, we learn the permits for the Deepwater Horizon well were given by the U.S. Minerals & Mining Service without obtaining the necessary permits from agencies charged with protecting the surrounding environment and wildlife.

The MMS was too busy getting good drugs and good sex from the oil industry to bother with procedures and permits.

Where is Howard Beale when we really need him?

‘Murka is a funky place.

You gotta admit that. We get even funkier when we ride election cycles fast down busy streets, hit a slight bump and find ourselves suddenly and quite pointedly reminded how hard the narrow saddle of democracy can be.

It all seems so painful at that very moment but we just keep peddlin’.

Whether you know it or not, we’re knee deep in a very funky election cycle and if you believe the national press meme, incumbents are as endangered as the Gulf of Mexico and all those it sustains.

Two incumbents have gone down in the past five days – TWO – out of 471 congressional seats up for re-election this year and, oh my heavens, we got us a landslide!!

Add on top of that all this funky talk of a U.S. Supreme Court nominee being Lebanese and we get funkier than an Art Neville beat…and an Art Neville beat is a wondrous thing!

The Wall Street Journal, that even handed newspaper of insightful journalism, even ran a photograph of SCOTUS nominee Elena Kagan playing softball, which is apparently very popular in Lebanon.

Do we care if Supreme Court nominees play softball? No, we do not. We just want them to be good, decent, social-justice-lovin’, let-freedom-ring, radical left-wing jurists for a change.

So, the second incumbent to fall in a week did so yesterday in West Virginia, which so often leads the nation in hillbilly politics.

U.S. Rep Alan Mollohan, a 14-term Democrat (sorta), lost a party primary battle to a young upstate state senator who out-GOPeed the quasi-Democrat for the victory by vilifying the incumbent as just not right-wing enough. AND THESE ARE THE DEMOCRATS!

The Republican who State Senator Mike Oliverio will meet in the November general election better be bringin’ those Neanderthal genes hot ‘n heavy to bring the cave people out in force.

Mollohan’s big crime was that he voted in favor of health care reform, this despite him carrying solid pro-life credentials.

Because he supported better health care for all Americans – and in West Virginia, dental care is a big deal - the pro-life crew aborted its long standing support. After all, one can’t claim the pro-life banner and be in favor of better health care.

They also turned against him because he supported doing something to slow climate change and Lord knows we don’t need to change the climate in West Virginia.

Not to be outdone in hillbilly politics, the gubernatorial race in Alabama has turned the clock back to the 1920s where GOP front-runner Bradley Byrne (seriously) was accused of favoring the teaching of evolution in public schools. Byrne, for his part, countered that, by God, he believed every word in the Bible to be true and dictated directly by the Supreme Being to her secretary!

This after some weeks ago when fellow GOP candidate Tim James, son of former governor Fob, made a big deal out demanding driver’s license examinations be given only in English, the God-given language of the Bible.

Maybe the national punditry has it all wrong. Maybe this is not necessarily the year of the anti-incumbent. Maybe it’s just a good year to have a shallow gene pool.

In a stunning reversal, zigging when everyone thought he would zag, President Obama today nominated the forcibly retired Sen. Bob Bennett, noted leftist from Utah, to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Naw…just kidding.

The SCOTUS nod goes to current U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan, noted socialist and prostitute according to right-wing extremists who also say they don’t like her haircut, a little too short for their liking.

The political scene is really bonking for lack of adequate nutrition.

Here’s the good news about Kagan: no one, but no one, doubts her brilliance and precision as a thinker and writer, analyzer of exquisite detail and thoughtful narrative. The Senate’s already voted to confirm her as solicitor general.

Okay, okay…but will she vote to overturn Roe v. Wade…that’s what’s important to the extremists.

Answer: Oh, hell no! Now, y’all go on about the bidness of eating your own and leave the Supreme Court to the grown ups.

But they won’t. They’ll try anything they can think of to try to destroy Kagan, all reasons having nothing to do with her potential as a supreme court justice.

They’ve already called her a prostitute. How much lower can they sink?

Writing in the National Review, no less, some hack named Ed Whelan questioned Kagan’s principles with the famous G.B. Shaw quote, “We’ve already established what you are, ma’am. Now we’re just haggling over the price.”

After being roundly criticized, the Whelan character backtracked a bit to explain everyone uses this quote – you know, to call people whores.

And speaking of solid principles and loyalty, the extremists ate one of their own heroes over the weekend.

The good people of the Utah GOPeeparty, meeting in convention, ousted three-term U.S. Senator Bob Bennett because he isn’t pure enough. It’s rumored he actually knows and has spoken with African Americans, Latin Americans and, perhaps, women!

You see, the Utah GOPers get together in a convention to decide which Republican Utah will elect to national offices such as the U.S. Senate. This year’s back room deal turned into a teabagger convention and out went Sen. Bennett.

The reason? Just not conservative enough. Heck, he voted in favor of President Bush bail-out of big banks and talked to Democrats about health care reform.

In the addled brains of teabaggers this simply will not do. I mean this guy was the employer of Howard Hunt when he and G. Gordon Liddy broke into the Watergate to bug the Democrats…and he’s no longer conservative enough for the baggers. Whew!!

Hmmm…Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Newt Gingrich all like him. They are so out of step with the baggers.

And finally, from the “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry” file, it seems farm animals are not safe in Florida.

Despite repeated attempts, the Florida Legislature failed to outlaw animal diddlin’ in the Sunshine State; an issue sure to raise its ugly head in the race for the U.S. Senate.

Researchers in Europe have discovered Neanderthals may have been takin’ the skin boat to tuna town with early humans.

That’s right. According to DNA research currently being conducted by the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, Neanderthals had a max planck for the new and really cute humans who moved to town and before they died out spent a few steamy nights with them amid candlelight and Lady Gaga records.

This has resulted, say the researchers, in a strain of Neanderthal DNA swimming for thousands of years in the gene pool of non-African humans. As a matter of fact, the researchers suggest 1 to 4 percent of the DNA in non-Africans (Europeans) is, in fact, Neanderthal.

A poll taken by ABC news the other day suggested the teabaggers account for approximately 2 percent of the population; a curious statistical comparison.

Seriously, the Neanderthal DNA strain could actually explain quite a bit.

NASCAR, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, failure to regulate financial markets or protect consumers, GOP southern strategy, Arizona immigration law, hair on the upper lip of Italian women, ultimate cage fighting, California and Florida senate races; and why the British Parliament may be hung but not well-hung.

On the other hand - the one with knuckles dragging along the hot sidewalk - this research may lead to a whole new bag of excuses for stupidity among public figures and policy makers.

Good news, senators and world’s top golfers, you no longer have to claim alcoholism or go into rehab when you get caught leafing through pages or burying your balls in the deep rough. You can simply blame it on the Neanderthal DNA!!

Johnny Cochran would have loved this defense!!

Say, for example, you hit the “b” key when you meant to hit the “m” key and suddenly stock prices plummet around the globe and people are leaping from tall buildings. You simply say, “oops…my bad…Neanderthal DNA moment!!”

Or when you find yourself repeatedly talking about how safe it is today to drill for oil immediately off beaches and salt marshes.

Or, perhaps, when you find yourself so stridently homophobic that you found an entire non-profit organization based on, he-he, rooting out people who prefer to knock boots with others of the same sex only to get caught yourself taking a little vacation with an Internet rent-a-boy. Rather than admitting to being an intensely gross hypocrite you can simply say, “Hey, I’ve admitted my inner Neanderthal.”

There is a problem with this defense, however. As far as we know, Neanderthals were not found across this great continent, the mid-breadth of which would one day become known as the U-nited States of ‘Murka.

So, to admit to Neanderthal heritage might put one at risk of being deported from the State of Arizona due to lack of native status.

I understand the Apache people will soon start demanding papers of Arizona Legislators.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Okay all you Anglos with a tan, we’re headed to Arizona, donning our guayaberas and huaraches and telling the cops we brought our Coronas directly from Mexico!

Whoo-hoo!! We’re all Mexican today! Well, maybe not in Arizona; could get you arrested and charged with being brown.

Oh sure, Cinco de Maya is well-known as a kind of Mexican Independence Day, meant to commemorate Zapata’s victory over Napoleon at Veracruz but, hey, what’s that compared to drinking contests when you can drink so much tequila you think you’re speaking Spanish to that groovy looking chick who is actually from India.

Besides everyone knows Cinco de Mayo was started as a conspiracy to sell more Coronas to the gringos! Ha-Ha-Ha!! Zapata knew someday another Mexican would invent Corona beer and that gringos north of what would become the border would do anything to get it.

Just like Mother’s Day is a conspiracy, according to Gin Beck’sBeer on his radio show.

It’s been conspiracy week on all along the radio dial where you’ll find the right-wing-noise-machine. Everyone loves a good conspiracy of course, especially when you don’t have any substantive ideas to promote or solutions to propose.

Rant, baby, rant!!

In addition to Beck’s rant against Mother’s Day (rant against Mother’s Day…really, Glenn, really?), we have conspiracies to blow up the Gulf of Mexico oil well and that dastardly plot to read Miranda Rights to a U.S. Citizen arrested for a connection to the Times Square failed bomb attempt.

What will these morons think of next?

Oh, I know! How ‘bout U.S. Senator John McCain, Vietnam war hero (for being taken captive), defeated presidential candidate and all-around Maverick – though he now denies it – suggesting the Pakistani-born U.S. Citizen arrested in connection with the Times Square bombing attempt doesn’t need Miranda Rights?

Then, of course, pops up Heckuva-job-Brownie to say how the Obama Administration loves the Gulf oil spill because the President gets to pander to the environmentalists.

Takes a lot of tar balls washing up on the beach for Brownie to even show his face in public, let alone say something as goofy as that.

No, but seriously, Douche Limpbranch may be on to something by suggesting it was the environmental whackos who dove 5,000 feet into the Gulf of Mexico to intentionally blow up the Deep Horizon oil well and flood the Gulf of Mexico with crude…black gold…Texas tea…the New Gulf of Mexico.

That’s it!! That’s the conspiracy! We’ll just drain the Gulf of Mexico, fill it with oil and we can all head down to the beach with straws and snort it right up! Cut out the middle-man, cars and all those noisy machines.

Finally, when it comes to teabaggers affecting the outcomes of elections? Not so much apparently. Teabag candidates earned a massive-fail at the polls in Republican primaries in Ohio, Indiana and North Carolina.

“Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” – Macbeth.

“Drill, baby, drill; not stall, baby, stall!”

“We already drill in an environmentally sensitive manner.”

Okay, so maybe Michael ManofSteele, Sarah Palindrome & Shame Humanity missed the mark just a skosh on this one.

Gee, ya think?

As the people of Perdido Key, Florida spent Sunday patrolling their 10 miles of beach, picking up anything that could soak up the millions of gallons of oil possibly headed their way, the rest of the nation watched in horror as oil advocates gagged on their own words.

Fortunately, we can count on radio carnival barker Douche Limpbranch to find the solution for us.

"The ocean will take care of this on its own if it was left alone and left out there," Limpbranch told the St. Petersburg Times. "It's natural. It's as natural as the ocean water is."

Limpbranch also suggested the April 20 oil rig explosion which led to the 200,000-gallon-per-day open gusher on the Gulf floor might have been a case of eco-terrorism by one of the oil rig workers.

This is all excellent logic, the kind of logic that leads pundits across the meme-scape to call this horrible disaster, “Obama’s Katrina.”

Obama’s Katrina? Really? Seriously? Okay, to begin with journalist and rescue workers can actually get to, stay in and enjoy the food of New Orleans…unlike the days following Katrina.

Second, sales of Dawn dishwashing liquid will soon spike as experts suggest the common household product is the single best way to clean befouled fowl of oil. Really, not making this up.

"There is something in that Dawn detergent that cuts that oil right off of them," said Lee Fox, head of Sarasota, FL.-based Save our Seabirds.

Fox wrote a manual for how to clean up birds covered with oil after a 1993 oil spill in Tampa Bay.

Wait…you mean we’ve had other massive oil spills? Sure we have. You might recall Alaska’s Exxon Valdez spill in 1989…President George H.W. Bush’s Katrina.

Close to 11 million gallons of oil spilled into Alaska’s Prince William Sound.

“Drill, baby, drill.”

“Eat shrimp while you still can.”