Politics as usual took a little break over the weekend and turned to comedy over the weekend with the White House Correspondents Association Annual Dinner.

You know, the event in which politicians – including the President – poke fun at themselves and others. Something the rest of us do the other 364 days of the year.

And, of course, this was the first year in quite some time the stars of the event were Democrats and celebrities. Sure, the jokes were edgier and made fun of Republicans and right-wing AM radio hacks but don't think for a minute the Republicans weren't working hard while the new Washington glitterati yukked it up.

Wanda Sykes sent out a letter over the weekend, asking for money and responses to a "2009 Obama Agenda Survey." No, wait, that's wrong. The survey came from Michael Steele, head of the Republican Party.

Question No. 1: "Are you now or have you ever been a Socialist?" No, just kidding. That wasn't really the first question.

"Please carefully read and complete the enclosed 2009 Obama Agenda Survey which is registered in your name and affixed with a tracking code to ensure that it is accounted for in the tabulated results," the letter read.

Tracking code? Hmmm…

"You know that the liberal media elites and the Obama-Democrats are hoping you will put this letter down right now and do nothing," it continued. "They want you to give up, desert your party and walk away from your conservative principles."

This was news. We apparently have a new political party: the Obama-Democrats. Steele wants us to know rumors of the Republican Party's death are slightly exaggerated. "More than 56 million voters all across our country who did not vote for Barrack Obama deserve to have a voice in the way this country is governed," read the letter.

And he's right. That 18 percent of all Americans should be heard and, by golly, the GOP is going to make sure they are heard above the din of bold, new, creative solutions to some of this nation's most vexing problems.

In a beautifully crafted sentence, which itself partially explains the enormous success of the GOP in recent years, Chairman Steele explains it all:

"There is so much about the Obama agenda that most Americans do not know about," Steele wrote. "Thanks to the non-stop, swooning coverage of the ultra-biased media," The letter was proofed by the GOP's Department of Redundancy Department. (Really, did not make up those sentences.)

"We have a strong minority in the U.S. Congress and the power to filibuster liberal Democrat legislation in the U.S. Senate," said Steele. "We intend to use both to actively oppose and expose the truth about the Obama-Democrat agenda."

Oops. Perhaps the letter was crafted BEFORE Sen. Arlen Specter switched parties.

The truth, according to the GOP letter, is that Obama-Democrats will give amnesty to illegal immigrants, possibly bankrupt Social Security, nationalize health care, stifle our fragile economy, create a massive new government bureaucracy and undermine our nation's sovereignty.

"We have been on the defensive as the Democrats in Congress put partisan politics in front of the best interests of the nation, attacked our leaders with personal smears and saturated the media with propaganda," said the letter. "So, please, help the Republican Party refocus and rebuild so that we are ready to expose the Obama-Democrat agenda of special interests handouts and ultra-liberal big government policies."

Seriously, you just can't make up stuff like this.

Oh, and the survey? Yea, 15 questions like this one: "Are you in favor of the expanded welfare benefits and unlimited eligibility (no time, education or work requirements) that Democrats in Congress are pushing to pass?"

Uh? What? Refocus!

President Obama cuts the federal budget and Republicans scream; Arlen Specter gets confused; right-wing radio's Shone Hinsanity hates condiments; and the Baby Bull gets suspended for 50 games while trying to get pregnant.

Down is up and up is down; read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.

It's all so very confusing. But, hey, the good news is everything will change by tomorrow and well, heck, let's face it: at least we don't have to come up with a plan to raise $35 billion by June!

Bank of America officials announced late Thursday a massive bake sale will raise the required capital: doughnuts for dough!

Not even a week into being the U.S. Senate's newest Democrat, Arlen Specter voted twice against his new colleagues and told an interviewer he thought Republican Norm Coleman should be seated as Minnesota senator, not Democrat Al Franken.

Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid confronted his new protégé on the Senate floor: "Arlen, WTF?," Reid was quoted as saying. (No, not really, but don't you wish?)

Specter apologized, said he'd recently changed his meds and promised to spend the weekend reading – again – The Field Guide to Being a Democrat in the United States Senate.

"He just needs a little time to focus on his new surroundings," said Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan, to the New York Times.

Meanwhile, President Obama proposed Thursday cutting the federal budget by $17 billion, prompting Congressional Republicans to cry foul.

"How can we cut the federal budget in times like these?" said one leading Congressional Republican. "We've have to spend, spend, SPEND!!"

(Okay, that last quote was completely made up but, somehow, it would not be shocking to actually hear it.)

And speaking of those fun-loving Republicans, GOP leaders continue their efforts at bull rebranding by meeting with old white guys in pizza parlors across the nation. So far, they're coming up with great new ideas: cutting taxes for the very wealthy, cutting the federal budget (nope, we're against that now) and ensuring we can safely torture at home and abroad.

Their efforts were not particularly helped by right-wing radio scythe Shone Hinsanity's assertion that President Obama proved he is an elitist by ordering Dijon mustard for his hamburger during a stop at fast-food drive-in.

Other voices are being raised, though. Writing in The Daily Beast, GOP reshaper Reihan Salam suggested Republicans need to take seriously a suggestion coming from what he called one of "New York's buzziest design firms." The firm, called (really, not making this up) Pentagram, suggested a kind of mantra for Republicans.

Here goes: Renew. Reinvest. Refresh, Recommit, Restore. Rethink. Republican.

Oh yea, and you have to put the "RE" in each word in BOLD letters. Yep, that should do it. I like it! It's buzzy. Send that around to focus groups and see if they can find any focus.

And finally, we can all start the weekend knowing we have a new member of the All-Steroid Hall of Fame. Los Angeles Dodger slugger Manny Ramirez was banned Thursday for 50 games when he tested positive for a substance used to help women become pregnant. New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez immediately issued a statement saying, "Manny should have just come to me." (No, wait, that's not right.)

Okay, boys and girls, put down your pencils now. Step away from the TeeVee Box. Let's just pretend this week never happened. We can regroup on Monday and hope the weekend's oxygen replacement therapy works.

As King Solomon and Abraham Lincoln said, "This, too, shall pass."

Welcome to Seis de Mayo, the day when millions of Americans who think Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican drinking game are waking up to hang-overs so severe they WISH they had only Montezuma's revenge.

Okay, peoples, shake it off, open those bleary eyes and discover real news was happening while you were downing those Coronas by the buckets-full while thinking you were speaking Spanish to that groovy lookin' chick who was actually from India.

The U.S. Treasury may, possibly, could-happen, release the results on the big banks' stress tests today and it seems Banco de Americano and probably Citi will need a few more taxpayer carbs and protein to make it to level 2 on the financial treadmill: about $34 billion more carbs and protein. Maybe they should try yoga.

There's good news. It seems the week-long pandemic of Pig AIDS might be over. We expect Vice-President Joe Biden to issue a statement later today saying its okay once again to board airliners and subways and to cough or sneeze directly into other people's faces. The hand-sanitizer squishy-liquid industry will likely issue a terse statement saying the Veep should mind his own business and the danger of unclean hands is as great as it ever was. (Credit tweetie-pie, Cody_K, for the Pig AIDS ref.)

Seriously, I guess somebody finally did the math and decided 1,500 cases of swine flu in a world of 6 billion people does not a pandemic make but, hey, health officials have a tough job and let's face it they just don't get the chance very often to be front-and-center on all the major cable news shows.

Really, we all need to listen when the WHO issues warnings and predictions. I mean nobody's ever written a rock opera like Pete Townsend – and probably never will – and that's gotta count for something. That deaf, dumb and blind kid may play a mean pinball but he stinks as a journalist.

That's right, much of the Pig AIDS hysteria came straight from the snouts of journalists so desperate to be the first to bring home the bacon in a world of 24-hour news cycles on the InnerTubes they forgot the number one rule of journalism: be cynical. Well, okay, if not cynical at least be skeptical.

Yea, it's like, you know, when a President announces we're going to start a war, bomb the bejesus out of another country, invade it and completely sack its civilization reporters are supposed to say, "hey, wait a minute, are you sure Iraq had something to do with 9-11?"

Hmm…maybe that was a bad example. But you get the point. Question government officials, peoples, make fun of ‘em if you have to. That's what they're for!

I wonder if they really killed all the pigs in Egypt. Hope not. Turns out most of the Egyptian pigs have a very important function. They eat most of the organic garbage around Cairo. (Memo to self: Do NOT eat Egyptian sausage.) Without the Egyptian pig-o-lators, the garbage will just accumulate in the street and Egyptians could end up with cholera and malaria and all kinds of stuff much worse than the swine flu.

That being said, however, we might just want to take another look at how giant American-owned pig farms in Mexico dump all the raw pig sewage into open pits. Just a suggestion.

On to important news. You all remember how Miss California USA, the very lovely Carrie Prejean (really, that's her name) got in trouble with the Miss USA pageant folks for saying because she's a Christian she thinks marriage should be only between a man and a woman, hetero-style. Well, it seems now Ms. Prejean may be in a little more trouble because photos have surfaces of her, well, pre-shirt as well.

That's right. There are apparently photos out there of Miss California partially nekkid and we are scouring the InnerTubes right now trying to find those photos to fully report on this incident.

"I am a Christian and I am a model. Models pose for pictures including lingerie and swimwear photos," Ms. Prejean/Pre-shirt was quoted as saying.

Personally, I find nothing wrong with nude Christians and models. As long as we're not talking about some of the Christians with whom I grew up!

To once again quote the immortal philosophers at the World Health Organization, "Extra, extra, read all about it. There's a dead man wearing my shoes!"

Amid all the speculation about President Obama's pick to replace retiring SCOTUS Justice David Souter, Congressional Republican Leaders announced over the weekend they will oppose any future opportunity for Hillbilly-Cajun-Rednecks to win the vaunted Kentucky Derby.

No, wait, that's not right.

While Congressional Republicans plotted strategy to oppose Obama's Supreme Court pick, the Kentucky Derby was won by a 50-to-1 long shot, Mine That Bird, as jockey Calvin Borel kicked on the horse's afterburners and scorched the rest of the field in a dramatic come-from-way-behind victory which shows once and for all common man (or woman) can triumph amid the fancy hats and mint juleps at Churchill Downs!

"Who ARE those people?" I'm willin' to bet was a refrain heard more than once in Louisville on Saturday afternoon.

No matter, the son of the Looziana bayou teamed up with a New Mexico cowboy and former quarter-horse trainer to win the Derby on a horse bought for $9,500. Move over Seabiscuit, there's a new hero of the workin' class! A cowboy hat won the fancy hat contest.

Seriously, Republican Congressional Leaders said they will vigorously oppose President Obama's Supreme Court selection even if he brings back Robert Bork and they mean bidness, too, ‘cause they got 21 percent of the electorate solidly behind them!

One senior congressional aide was quoted over the weekend as saying, "We have to be careful not to f—- up and overreach. So it's a balancing act."

Not making up that quote but, um, yea, they probably do need to be careful about overreaching. So, to make sure, POLITICO is reporting the Congressional GOP caucus will turn this week to former Bush aides for advice and counsel. Yep, seems like they're on the right track. You gotta love new and innovative thinking.

Meanwhile, the New York Times reported over the weekend a "non-profit environmental marketing and messaging firm" (no kidding, that's what it was called), says we can't use the term, "global warming," anymore because it turns off ostriches who continue to keep their heads in the sand. The firm, ecoAmerica, says polling and focus groups suggest the term, "global warming," conjures up for ostriches, images of hippies and do-gooders and people genuinely concerned about the health of the planet.

To really win the debate, says ecoAmerica, we should use terms like, "our deteriorating atmosphere." We should no longer talk of carbon dioxide but, rather, of "moving away from dirty fuels of the past," reports the NY Times. Don't say, "cap & trade." Use, "cap & cash back," instead or "pollution reduction refunds."

This research group, says the term, "energy efficiency," conjures up notions of shivering in a dark and cold house. They suggest "saving money for a more prosperous future" would be a better way – and with lots more words – to describe, well, energy efficiency.

They even suggest never again using the term, "environment." Rather, they say, we should speak of "the air we breathe, the water our children drink."

I have news for ecoAmerica. First of all, get a new name; one that actually starts with a capital letter. Second, ostriches ain't gonna hear you, anyway, cause…well, you know…they can't hear with their heads in the sand. Third, adding more words to the debate only INCREASES the amount of word pollution and contributes more greenhouse-gases-we-don't-want-to-name-because-excessive-carbon-dioxide-conjures-up-images-of-science-wonks-wearing-horned-rimmed-glasses-and-plastic-pocket-protectors.

Get a grip. It's called "global warming" because the globe appears to be warming and "climate change" because, well, the climate appears to be changing.

Finally, for all you hippies and peaceniks and do-gooders out there, it was 39 years ago today the U.S. government opened fire on and killed four Kent State University students as they were peacefully protesting the war in Vietnam.

Stephen Stills: "Tin soldiers and Nixon comin'…" Spin THAT ecoAmerica!

It's May Day and to celebrate the traditional spring fling, President Obama will today duct tape Vice President Biden to the White House May Pole.

Okay, probably not, but it's long been said the Veep is outstanding in his field and after delivering a very poor impersonation of Dr. Sanjay Gupta on the Today Show, that may be where the President will send him.

In case you missed it, the vice president appeared Thursday on the venerable morning show to represent the U.S. Department of I-Wish-I-Hadn't-Said-That and to reiterate the president's suggestion Wednesday night to avoid catching the swine flu by washing our hands, covering our mouths when we cough, no talking in line and, "is that gum in your mouth, mister?"

Although Vice-President Biden is not a doctor, neither does he play one on TV. Biden, discussing the intricacies of swine flu epidemiology, suggested people should avoid "contained spaces" like cars, commercial airliners, subways, trains, classroom and big buildings like your daddy works in (okay, made up that last part). He further suggested the only safe place, really, was in the middle of a large field where if someone sneezes and no one is there to hear it did that other someone really sneeze?

His office immediately issued a clarification, the airline industry went nuts and Texas secessionists said, "Hey, we got lots of big empty fields in the Republic of Texas!"

And speaking of those loveable ol' good-ol-boys down in there in what so far remains the Lone Star State, it appears some of them are pretty gosh-darn serious about seceding from the union. (Once again, we'll refer them to history books…or, hell, any book at all!)

Quoted by the San Antonio Current, an online news site, Texas Republican candidate for governor (or president, premier, emperor, whatever) Larry Kilgore said he's ready to divvy up all the planes, trains and automobiles with the U.S. of A. and discuss joint custody of the children.

"After the people of Texas have the opportunity to vote for independence and our congressmen go up there and work with Washington, we will have to negotiate who gets what ships, who gets what aircraft, who gets what bases, who gets what personnel," said Kilgore, a Rangerette. "For example, the United States is not going to want folks in their military who are diehard Texans. Texans aren't going to want folks in their military who are diehard United States people."

The assertion prompted Los Estados Unidos Mexicanos to shut down immediately.

"We have enough problems with the swine flu," said President Felipe Calderon. "We don't want to catch whatever brain inflammation is going around Texas!"

Okay, President Calderon didn't really say that. But I'll be he THOUGHT it!!

In the meantime, CABS Congresswoman Michelle Bachman, R-Minnesota, was quick to point out Wednesday the "interesting coincidence" that swine flu outbreaks occur only when a Democrat is occupying The White House.

She's wrong, of course. The last major swine flu outbreak occurred in 1976, when Gerald Ford was president and I'm pretty sure he was a Republican. But none of that matters, now. Besides, more people got sick in 1976 from the swine flu vaccination than from the flu itself.

This is the same congresswoman who just recently said the very popular Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act is simply a ruse for putting young people into what she called, "re-education camps…where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums."

Has hard as one might try, you just can't make up stuff like that.

And, finally, U.S. Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced today he will retire from the nation's highest court, giving President Obama the opportunity to appoint his first justice. Perhaps others will follow. Scalia? Thomas? Bueller? Anyone? Anyone?

As the immortal philosopher Janis Joplin once said, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might get what you need."