Finally, someone is sticking up for backward-thinking, mostly fat, mostly potato-headed rednecks!

It’s the rednecks, themselves! (‘Cause, Lord knows, ain’t nobody else gonna.)

Some of ‘em, anyway, put down their beers long enough to turn off the Fox News Channel and emerge from their double-wides to start a campaign to bring justice to this most persecuted minority.

“There’s no identifiable group more persecuted, humiliated, embarrassed, singled out for ridicule, fired from jobs, kids suspended from school, civic groups represented being denied parades than the confederate southern Americans of the United, States,” says Kirk D. Lyons, chief trial counsel of the Southern Legal Resource Center.

Okay, Okay…I know, I know. Stop laughing now.

These guys are, unfortunately, quite serious.

Kirk D. Lyons and the boys want all – seriously, not making this up – they want all “confederate southern Americans” to so self-identify on U.S. Census forms in the 2010 Census.

Heck fire, they got movies on the YouTube and a page on the Facebook talkin’ about this very thing!

Here’s the logic: the Census asks us to identify ourselves by race or national origin. The Southern Legal Resource Center says “national origin” can include anyone who’s ancestors lived in or fought for the Confederate States of America for the almost four years it existed – um, in rebellion against the real United States of America.

So, you see, because of what Lyons and his buddies like to refer to as the “Wo-ah of No’thun Aggression,” these descendents have long been persecuted and embarrassed.

And here’s the kicker. He cites the 1964 Civil Rights Act as justification for this Census declaration because it established the “national origin” distinction in the Census forms.

That’s rich, ain’t it?

Seriously, Kirk…buddy…come here a minute. Let me explain something to you: there’s a REASON you feel so embarrassed and put-upon.

You might recall a little something about 400 YEARS OF SLAVERY…followed by another 100 YEARS OF OUTRIGHT VIOLENCE AND PERSECUTION of FORMER SLAVES and THEIR descendants.

Just sayin’.

One of the most shameful chapters is all of human history and you want to continue to celebrate it? Really?

And while you’re at it, take down that damned confederate flag! It’s never been anything but a symbol of hate and it will never be anything but a symbol of hate.

Those of us fortunate enough to be born in the southern U.S. have many ways to truly celebrate our region’s “heritage.” We celebrate in our manner of speech. We celebrate in our food. We celebrate in our rich literature and music. We celebrate in our oft-fabled hospitality and friendliness. We celebrate in our diversity, in our human coat of many colors. We have an unparalleled opportunity today to embrace the speech, food and music of many different cultures and celebrate our combined cultural splendor.

Oh, and by the way, don’t confuse the Southern Legal Resources Center with the Southern Poverty Law Center, which has for years and years fought the good fight against racism, ignorance and hate – as southerners!

It was a tough weekend for poor ol’ Harry Reid.

Here he was, having just succeeded in helping pass in the Congress one of the most significant social reforms in the last 50 years, and he’s celebrating by shooting guns in Vegas with the long-time head of the National Rifle Association.

But down in his dusty desert home town, a whole bunch of folks in pick ‘em up trucks and campers all got together to hear some woman from Alaska play the Donald Trump teevee show card.

“You’re fired,” shouted the pretty lady from Alaska, clutching her notes in a desperate attempt to keep them from littering the desert in the blowing desert dust.

Whoa, they sure have a curious way of dealin’ with elected officials in Nevada. Sure, there are lots of things legal in Nevada that are illegal everywhere else but, Lord have mercy, I didn’t know a whole bunch of folks could just get together in the desert and simply fire elected officials.

Oh well…guess that’s it, then. Did they appoint somebody else in his place to be Senate Majority Leader? No? Hmmm…shouldn’t they have done that, too?

Wait…nevermind…realize what was happening, now. It was the teabaggers gettin’ together in the desert in a kind of Burning Up Man Festival to snort and snoot and roar and make really stupid home-made signs.

“Beelzebub Obama,” read one sign, misspelling accepted.

“Yes we can…kick you out,” read another.

“Stop the Marx Madness,” read still another, perhaps a bit confused between college basketball and Groucho, Harpo & Chico.

“Harry Reid you suck big time. We are going to vote your pathetic socialist ass out!! Go back to Searchlight and run for dogcatcher,” read still one more.

Wait, you mean they DO still hold elections in Nevada? You mean a bunch of angry white folks can’t just get together and fire somebody?

Not to worry, the Nevada rally was just the start of the 24-city tour of the Burning Politicians Festival, one that will culminate in Washington on April 15, Tax Day, when we will no doubt hear lots and lots of jibber-jabber about how much everyone hates to pay taxes…and other unique anti-government stuff.

Okay, sure…there are plenty of angry, frustrated people around these here United States. After all, eight years of the Bush Administration is enough to make anyone snap.

But we really need to understand, violent revolution is soooo 18 th Century in the U.S. We take that to other countries, now!

Maybe someone will explain that to 70-year-old Harry Weisiger of Nashville, Tennessee who late last week decided to take matters into his own hands.

Weisiger was charged with reckless endangerment, DUI and leaving the scene of accident after he rammed a car driven by Nashville teacher Mark Duren. It seems the teacher had just picked up his 10-year-old daughter from school when Weisiger alleged spotted an Obama bumper sticker on the Durens’ car – a Prius, no doubt – and rammed him, repeatedly, before fleeing.

It’s a good thing we’re finally gonna see the nation’s health care system reformed.

There’s a whole lotta folks out there gonna need some serious medical attention, soon, if this national political discourse gets any more violent! Is mental health care covered in the reforms?

Holy Crap! What’re you people thinkin’? Death threats, spittin’ at members of Congress, callin’ ‘em horrible names, throwin’ money at Parkinson’s patients…and that’s just in my family!

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they put me under the jail and throw away the key.”

“Not the golfers, you idiot. The gofers!” (Slaps Carl with Tam O’Shanter.)

“Oh…we can do that. We don’t even need a license.”

Even the centered, staid NPR felt like it had to devote nearly an hour Thursday to the violent rhetoric and threats peeling across the political marketplace.

And then, of course, comes along the Faux New Channel – whistling and rolling eyes – saying it’s a “bad atmosphere” and wondering where all this comes from?

Gee, can’t figure it out.

The good news is Glenn Beck has is all figured out: It’s the radical bomb-throwing hippies of the 1960s, the people now in charge of the fedrul gov’munt; they are the ones poking and prodding the teabaggers into atrocious threats of violence.

All we need, says Beck, is the finger of God.

Glad we have Sarah Palin who’s promised to – seriously – “target” members of Congress who voted in favor of healthcare reform.

“Commonsense Conservatives & lovers of America: Don’t Retreat, Instead – RELOAD!” Palin shouted on the Twittermachine.

And on her Facebook page, Palin displayed a map of her targeted congressional members, with gun sights to locate their districts.

“Well aim for these races and many others,” she writes. “This is just the first salvo in a fight to elect people across the nation who will bring common sense to Washington.”

Yep, the common sense of targeting and aiming and salvos…peaceful talk.

Nope, just can’t imagine where all these poor teabagger folks are getting the notion to be angry and violent.

Peace.

It’s all becoming clear, now, why Republicans fought so hard to keep Americans from getting better health care.

Hidden among the many provisions of the new communist manifesto – better know as health care reform – is a 10 percent tax on tanning salons! It’s an outrage!

No wonder House Majority Leader John Boehner was livid! And he should be. The average person pays $15 to $20 per 10-minute session to lay nekkid on a bed of fluorescent lights and get zapped like a doughnut. With this 10 percent tax, they’ll have to pay an additional $1.50 to $2.00.

Lord only knows how much more this will cost Boehner! Is there no end to this socialist-fascist-communist-Kenyan-rastafarian-zoroastrian-baptist takeover of our tanning rights???

What’s next? Are they gonna charge us more for liquor and cigarettes and Twinkies?

Oh…wait…the bill was all about ‘Murkins getting healthier. Nevermind.

Not to worry. Approximately 13 of the nation’s state attorneys general have it all under control.

Led by Florida’s AG – who also happens to be a GOP candidate for governor of the Fluorescent Light Tanning Bed State – the generals are using taxpayer dollars to file suit against the tanning bed surcharge bill saying it’s downright unconstitutional and against Jesus.

Using an argument for individual rights and states’ rights (yep, the same argument used to justify slavery), Florida AG Bill McCollum-Gollum said the fed’rul guv’munt can’t force him to get treated by a doctor if he don’t damn well want to!

“The healthcare reform legislation passed by the U.S. House of Representatives…clearly violates the U.S. Constitution and infringes on each states’ sovereignty,” said. McCollum-Gollum.

Legal experts around the country were quick to point out, after convulsing in laughter, the AGs’ lawsuit has about as much chance at succeeded as a snowball on a tanning bed. But, they pointed out, it does have a strong chance of wasting lots of state taxpayers’ money.

Sure, the Republicans lost big-time on health care reform and are looking pretty bad and grouchy right now. But don’t think for a minute they’re giving up their effort to keep ‘Murkins from getting better health care. Oh, hell no!

The U.S. Senate contingent of the Grouchy Old Party will be dancing all over procedural rules in the next few hours, trying to delay the inevitable passage of the so-called “fix” bill, which shockingly requires only a majority to pass.

Led by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, a doctor fighting against better health care, Republicans will offer up a series of amendments to force Democrats to go on record and vote down things like prohibiting Viagra prescriptions for sex offenders. (Seriously.)

Maybe they’ll bring in Mitt Romney as a guest speaker so he can argue against what he pushed through as governor of Massachusetts. That would be rich.

But, hey, at least ‘Murkins of all stripes are coming around on the notion of better health care. A USAToday/Gallup poll out this morning says 49 percent of ‘Murkins think the health care reform bill is a good thing with only 40 percent saying it’s bad. (The remaining 11 percent were in the Emergency Room awaiting primary care and could not be reached.)

And, finally…yep, you betcha. Vice-President Joe Biden was right!

Okay, so let’s take a quick look out the window…no, the sky is not falling.

Let’s stand still for just a moment…yes, the earth appears to be still spinning on its axis.

Let’s check the wires…nope, no reports of hordes of mongrel and socialist orcs washing over the Canadian border or from any of the other major industrialized nations with national health care strategies (like all of them).

Is Rush Limbaugh packing his bags for Costa Rica? He’s gonna like it there. Costa Rica has an even better national health care plan than any other nation in the Western Hemisphere!

Ummmm, let me get this straight: the U.S. House of Representatives finally adopted last night a major overhaul of the U.S. health care profit industry and…what? The world is still here? The nation is still standing?

And, what’s that you say? There’s a significant possibility 32 million more Americans than now will have a chance at affordable, decent health care?

As the kids would say…O…M…G!

Does this mean Republicans, who for some unexplained reason really don’t want Americans to have better health care, are going to give up the fight? Oh, hell no!

Before the sun was even up on this new dawn in ‘Murka, attorneys general in eight states (controlled by Republicans) were already talking about filing suit against the health care reform.

“Where in the ( U.S.) Constitution does it say that Congress can require somebody to buy health insurance?” asked the South Carolina attorney general.

Ha…Ha…Ha! It doesn’t, of course, but neither does it say African-Americans and women can vote and it certainly doesn’t say a U.S President can invade another country just ‘cause he wants to.

Oh well, this will all just be part of the fun and games over the next few days and weeks and months as the winger nuts, teabaggers and assorted other cretins go nuckin’ futs and heads exploding all over right-wing radio and the Faux News Network.

“A date which will live in infirmary,” reports the Sludge Report. Clever, one must admit.

“Tonight the Democrats voted to put people in jail who have no insurance, raise the costs of health care, destroy the federal government’s bond rating, keep unemployment high and kill forever the mythological creature known as the pro-life Democrat,” reported RedState.com

Again, pretty dang hilarious. And, oh yea, one big lie.

Okay, so here’s the real deal: If approved by the Senate on Tuesday and signed by the President, the bill will immediately:

• Prohibit insurance companies from denying children with pre-existing conditions.
• Provide immediate coverage for pre-existing conditions through a temporary high-risk pool.
• Prohibit companies from dropping people who get sick.
• Lower prescription prices for seniors by eliminating the so-called “doughnut hole” in Medicaid drug coverage.
• Offer tax credits to small businesses that provide coverage for employees.
• Eliminate lifetime limits and restrictive annual limits on benefits.
• Require insurance companies to cover children on parents’ plans until the kids are as old as 26 if they can’t get plans of their own.
• Require new plans to cover preventive services and immunizations.
• Ensure consumers have access to effective appeals o denials.
• Require insurance companies to rebate enrollees for excessively high administrative costs.

It’s going to cost $938 billion over 10 years but reduce the federal deficit by $143 billion.

Not bad for nearly 100 years of work.

“Stop Socialism,” read the bumper sticker on the old, beat-up Buick turning into the Goodwill store, next to the Dollar General.

Ah…shopping for necessities in post-grandeur ‘Murka. But, by golly, we’ll stop that socialism thing.

We don’t need health care. Twinkies are on sale at the Bargain Hut. Look, as long as I can keep the guv’munt outa my processed-flour pancakes, I’m good.

Let us eat cake!

The good news is the number of millionaires in ‘Murka rose by 16 percent from 2008 to 2009, so this redistribute-what-wealth-remains thing is workin’ out pretty well.

Oh sure, the number of millionaires slumped 27 percent in 2008 but, thankfully, they came back in 2009.

According to a study by the Spectrum Group, there are now 7.8 million households with a net worth over $1 million; up from only 6.7 million millionaire households in 2008.

The number of folks worth more than $5 million rose 17 percent in 2009, according to the study. There are almost 1 million fortunate folks like that now.

How can that be, you ask? Aren’t we in the worst economic times since the Great Depression? Aren’t 14 million fellow ‘Murkins out of work with no good job prospects? Yep. That trickle-down economics thing oughta kick in just about any day, now!

Oh…and those rich-n-getting-richer folks ain’t the ones drivin’ around beat up ol’ Buicks adorned with “Stop Socialism” bumper stickers.

Nope. They like this wealth distribution system just fine. It’s called, “trickle up.”

Its little wonder, really, the brain-dead-and-washed crowd is fightin’ so hard to keep decent, affordable health care outa their own hands. The rich folks are tellin’ ‘em to fight it ‘cause the rich folks know the poor folks might have a fightin’ chance at a reasonably comfortable life if they can get adequate health care.

The Catholic Church doesn’t want folks to have decent, affordable health care. The U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops launched full-page newspaper ads against health reform because they believe – erroneously – more women might get abortions…even though such a decision is none of the bishops’ damn business.

The whole right-wing is goin’ nuts, pullin’ out all the stops to keep decent, affordable health care out of the hands of the common folks.

At least one right wing senator, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, has threatened members of the House with the ol’, “you’ll never work in this bidness, again!” line.

Can caning be far behind? Will the rich retreat to their guarded castles and send out cake?

Should be a fun weekend…fortunately, most of us will be watching basketball and not paying attention to Washington.

What’s that? Oh sure…NOW you’re ready to pass a health care reform package!

It’s not like  we haven’t been waiting for nearly 100 years!  What, you think we’re that easy? We’ll just come around and take you back, now that we’ve waiting for this long?

You’ve been seriously teasing us for over a year. Sure, we’ve heard the sweet talk:  "It will provide insurance to those who don’t. And it will lower the cost of health care for our families, our businesses, and our government."

You think we’re just going to come crawling back now that you’re ready to actually DO IT?

Yea?...well, we will…’cause if we don’t maybe as many as  17 million more Americans will be uninsured by 2019.

But we still don’t understand why it wasn’t as simple as  extending Medicare to the entire population. We don’t know why you had to make it so complicated. All you lawmakers, you’re all the same.

Sure, that would be too simple and beneficial, not only for all Americans but for the government itself.

Oh, no! You have to play hard-to-get,  letting lobbyists crawl all over you  with their sweet smellin’ ways and pockets of cash; flaunting all that high-livin’ right in front of our faces.

But, sure…we’ll come crawlin’ back and accept your health care reform proposal…because it’s all we have!

Not everyone, of course. The 25 percent of ‘Murkins always angry about something are havin’ a screamin’ hissy fit that health care reform – such as it is – will soon be law.

The right-wing media is screaming hysterically and folks in polyester pedal-pushers and checkered shirts are standing outside the Capitol cheering the likes of Congressman Louis Gomer…or Gohmert…or something, who held up a stack of papers (presumably the health care bill) and said,  “I don’t want to make you sick but I brought an abortion to show you, today!”

Nice. Helpful.

And, so, the GOP-right-wing is livid about Democrats in control of the Congress – overwhelmingly elected to that majority by American voters – may use parliamentary procedures once used against them by the GOP-right-wing to finally adopt health care reform.

Things like simple majority votes and votes by acclamation really has the GOP-right-wingers screaming to high heavens about improper use of…er…well…majority rule. (History note: Republicans, in the majority in Congress’s 104 to 108 used acclamation or “deeming” over 200 times…just sayin’.)

So, maybe we’ll have health care reform- such as it is -  by the end of the week and we can all sit back and listen as Republicans explain to ‘Murka how they really don’t think it’s right for Americans to have decent, affordable health care.

Jesus wrote the U.S. Constitution with help from Joe McCarthy, Newt Gingrich and Ronald Reagan; Ted Kennedy never existed, nor did Thomas Jefferson, hip-hop music & culture nor transsexuals.

At least that’s what school children in Texas will soon learn if the Texas School Board gets its way in a circle-jerk editing session for social studies textbooks.

And, why not? After all, this is Texas…reality left a long time ago (Hello? George Bush? Rick Perry?)

New Texas tourism campaign slogan: “Whooo-wee Texas! We make Florida, Alabama & Mississippi look SANE!”

Seriously, in its boldest move yet to install fascism right here in ‘Murka, the American Taliban is right now pursuing the Texas Textbook Chainsaw Massacre to force innocent little school children to learn made up crap thereby ensuring they will grow up to be as messed-up as their parents.

So-called Christian Conservatives - the American Taliban - somehow gained control of the state board of education in the Republic of Texas and last week edited social studies and history textbooks they deemed, “too librul.”

Out: Thomas Jefferson as a man of the Enlightenment. In: Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin & William Blackstone. (It’s actually a wonder these knuckle-draggers even know who the latter group is.)

Out: separation of church & state. In: Newt Gingrich and the Contract with America.

“I reject the notion by the left of a constitutional separation of church and state,” said one of the right-wing Republicans. (Note to delusional school board member: please check Amendment Numero Uno…”Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;”)

Out: the non-violence of the civil rights movement led by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In: their scary perceived violence of the Black Panther Party.

“We’re adding balance,” said another Taliban member. “History has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left.”

Out: “capitalism” as an economic system. In: “free enterprise.”

“Let’s face it, capitalism does have a negative connotation,” said another school board member. “You know, ‘capitalist pig!” (Really, did not make up that quote.)

All this leaves us with a number of questions to ponder: Can these people dress themselves? Will Texas students learn about sociopaths from books or real-life examples? What’s the next step in this sordid chain of events? Banning all music except that of Ted Nugent? WTF?