Surprise!

Republicans agree to health care reform!

Ha-ha-ha…Wait, no they didn’t.

Despite repeated attempts Thursday to come together, sitting around a square hollow table, over 30 of our nation’s most distinguished square hollow legislators continued to fuss and fight.

And 30 more people died while they were arguing. At least, statistics suggest so.

At the beginning, President Obama acknowledged Democrats and Republicans have different views of the world but insisted, bless his heart, they could talk out differences.

No, they can’t. No Kumbaya…no hookah will help.

“I don’t know that those gaps can be bridged and it may be that at the end of the day we come out of here saying, ‘Well, we’ve had some honest disagreements,’” the president said, according to the New York Times reporting. “But I’d like to make sure that this discussion is actually a discussion and not just us trading talking points.”

Yea, but the Republicans can’t help sling talking points and proceeded to do so for the rest of the day.

Whatever.

Before it was even over, Republicans were launching press releases saying the summit was a failure. And the National Republican Campaign Committee produced a satirical ad on the Innertubes comparing the summit to a scary movie with the message: “They’re trying to cram it down your throat.”

This was not, to be clear, any comment on recent sex scandals that have plagued Republican office holders.

What’s even more clear is that despite every effort, the GOP is not going to give Obama any chance at all to “win” at anything – including and especially health care because…well…that might actually benefit Americans.

So, in the end, Obama said he’d give the lawmakers six weeks to agree and if the Republicans still won’t agree, well, maybe then we’ll go back to that old “majority rules” thingy and pass it without their help.

From the start, GOP minions were alive and well – and mouthing off on the InnerTubes and in Magical Twitterland.

“Thanks for your opening comments, Obama. We’re all dumber for having heard them,” wrote one Right-Wing Twit.

“Obama saying Common Sense & Healthcare in same sentence is like Jihadist praying to Jesus Christ,” said another.

“Exactly when did we change from WE THE PEOPLE to WE THE CONGRESS?,” asked one more (Answer: hum, it’s called The Constitution.)

“If healthcare is a right, why is food not a right too? Food is more important for survival than healthcare.”

Okay, whatever the point was of that last one.

Here’s the deal: Democrats have the majority in both the House and the Senate. The American people are behind you. This is what we voted for in 2008.

Just do it.

Oh Boy! It’s almost here! Can’t wait!

The Legend-Before-Its-Time Summit on Health-Care-Reform-Arguing will take up six hours of time Thursday on the TeeVee Box.

The Winter Olympics will be suspended. Wall Street will shut down. Trains and airlines will grind to a halt. And Republicans will put cotton in their ears, stomp their feet and act like petulant children being dragged to the principal’s office.

Okay. None of that is true – except the last part.

The White House, in preparing for the summit to be broadcast live from Blair House, spent the better part of the past week arguing with Republicans over the size and shape of chairs, the size and shape of tables, the color of lamp shades and drapes and which incense to burn during scheduled guided meditations.

A grateful nation heaved a sigh of relief earlier today when the Republican congressional delegation finally agreed to a square, hollow table – because it suits them.

According to Politico, that thoughtful online apologist for big business, the Democrats unstated goal of the health care summit is “to make congressional Republicans look like a bunch of whiny, cynical, ideologically bankrupt crybabies who don’t have a plan of their own.”

Ha-ha-ha, congressional Republicans are doing a pretty darn good job of that all by themselves.

But don’t be fooled. Despite holding overwhelming majorities in both the Senate and the House, Democrats can’t quite seem to adopt measures to reform the nation’s health care system.

So, given study released in late 2009 by the Harvard Medical School which suggested 45,000 Americans are dying each year because of our flawed for-profit health care system we can expect 30.8 people to die during the six-hour health care summit…and another 30.8 will die each six hours the Congress fails to adopt needed reforms.

We don’t mean to say Congress isn’t doing ANYTHING.

The Senate actually managed to adopt key measures toward a jobs bill…and five Republicans voted with the Democrats!

But Downtown Scotty Brown, the newly-elected nekkid truck driver who is now sitting in Ted Kennedy’s seat, found out just how mean his teabagger buds can be.

The angry malcontents spanked Brown’s nekkid truck drivin’ butt loud and hard on the Facebook and Magic Twitter Machine after he voted with the Democrats on the jobs bill.

“LYING LOW LIFE SCUM HYPOCRITE,” was, I believe, a representative post.

“BROWN, YOU JUST REMEMBER DOUCHEBAG…WE ARE WATCHING YOU!!!!,” was, I believe, another. Both in all caps.

Ha! Fun, ain’t it, Scotty? That’s a really nice crowd you hang with. This will also probably mean less interest in his daughters.

BREAKING NEWS: USA defeats Canada, 5-3, in Olympic hockey on Canadian soil!

Canada said to be amassing troops at the border…somewhere along the border…if we can find them…to invade in retaliation!

Okay, not really. But this does not bode well for US-Canadian relations. Making matters worse is the fact the USA is leading in the Canadian Olympics medal count.

How can this happen under an Obama Administration? That’s exactly what Republicans will be asking this week as they gather – reluctantly – under the klieg lights for another Obama Rodeo in which he will, no doubt, rope and hog-tie Congressional Republicans under the guise of getting agreement on health care reform.

Now, he has added incentive: holding off the Canadian invasion threat by trying to make our health care system look more like their health care system. The president will today announce a cap on health insurance premium increases – some of which have topped 31 percent lately – in an effort to appease the unruly and clearly agitated Canadians.

Republicans will be put in a tough spot. They will either have to go along or be blamed for not appeasing the Canadians and acquiescing to the looming invasion.

This is nasty business.

There is good news for Republicans, however. Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the CPAC straw poll over the weekend. Paul, the Libertarian, captured nearly one-third of the votes cast by the nearly one-third of CPAC attendees who bothered to cast a straw poll ballot at all.

This means Paul, who waged an independent run for the presidency in 2008, beat out the ever-lovely and vapid Mitt Romney for CPAC prom king, an embarrassing turn of events for Romney and Massachusetts because “the Mittens” has won the last three CPAC straw polls.

Unfortunately for him, he could not this year get support from even 25 percent of the nearly 30 percent who bothered to vote. Let’s see…25 percent of 30 percent is…divide by three…carry the one…um…not very many people.

And for the record, Sarah Palin only got 7 percent of the vote while Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who spoke at the confab, garnered 6 percent of the vote…of the one-third who bothered to vote.

Oh well, the CPAC crowd is always much bigger on bombast and idle threats than on actual participatory democracy so votes and voting – not so much.

Meanwhile, some actually-elected Republicans are having a tough time ‘splainin’ why they so readily accepted money from President Obama’s initial stimulus plan when they railed so loudly against it.

According to the Wall Street Journal, more than a dozen Republican lawmakers supported requests for stimulus money while, at the same time, calling the $787 billion Obama program the worst thing since processed cheese.

Republican Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama, who called the stimulus, “the socialist way,” asked for $15 million in socialist cheese for his state’s cogongrass eradication program.

Wisconsin Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, who called the stimulus a “wasteful spending spree”, asked for enough socialist cheese to create 1,000 new jobs…perhaps in the Wisconsin cheese industry.

Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn explained in a Tweet from his magic Twitter machine there is no hypocrisy in this at all: “ No contradiction to vote against reckless stimulus but if majority hell-bent to spend the money anyway, make sure Texas gets fair share.”

“Politics hates a vacuum,” once wrote Naomi Klein. “If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.”

So, with that in mind and the Congress home on winter break, the annual pep-rally for destroying what’s left of this great republic, CPAC, came to Washington to cheer and jeer and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

CPAC stands for Convention of Platitudes And Cranks, or something like that, and the first couple of days are real barn burners – unless, of course, someone can find an airplane to fly into a federal building somewhere.

The man perhaps most responsible for leaving this great nation in its current great mess made a surprise appearance.

The former vice-president suddenly emerged from the darkness to the chants of, “Dick! Dick! Dick!”

Okay, not really. They chanted, “Cheney, Cheney, Cheney!” But we know what they meant.

“2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause,” Dick said. “And I think Barack Obama is a one term president.”

The next presidential election won’t take place until 2012…but no matter. 2010 will still be a great year.

South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint told the crowd he’d rather see a U.S. Senate more like himself.

“I'd rather have 30 Republicans in the Senate who believe in the principles of freedom than 60 who don't believe in anything," he said.

Right. Because no one there now “believes in freedom.” Oh, heck no! Few Americans actually believe in freedom. Nope, we’re all about enslavement in this country, by golly!

Over at the hip and “kewl” version of CPAC, which is called XPAC for Extremely Pricky Asswipes Converging, crazy Baldwin Brother, Stephen, referred to the President of the United States as – not kidding – “homey.” (You see, the President happens to be African-American.)

“Homey made his bed,” said the Baldwin. “Now, he has got to lay in it.”

Technically, President Obama is trying to pull us out of the deathbed made for us by the Bush Administration. (See “Cheney,” above.)

“CPAC,” said one young twerp. “…is sorta like out Woodstock…except unlike the left’s gathering, our women are beautiful…we speak in complete sentences and our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine…which is certainly one thing that separates us from Barack Obama…

“…actually, on the cocaine front,” continued the young twerp. “I do believe many young people in America viewed Barack as a new drug. It was something to experiment with. But the hangover afterward left them thinking, ‘what the hell did I just do?’”

Meanwhile, the Dalai Lama skipped the CPAC klavern to visit President Obama, which prompted the Chinese to retaliate by sending snowboarders to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Later, in Nevada, the president was seen in a corner with Sen. Harry Reid, a pitchfork pinned against the senator’s chest, telling of his round of golf with the Buddhist leader.

The President: “So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the drive. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long.

“So we finish the 18 th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know’ And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

“So I got that goin’ for me.”

Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s, “American Pie”…

“So bye-bye, Mr. Evan Bayh
Daddy drove me to the Congress
But the Congress was dry”

“ And good ol’ boys are watching ‘Murkin’s die
Sayin’, this’ll be the day I say bye…
This’ll be the day I say bye.”

Or, to paraphrase Jimmy Buffett:

“My head hurts, my feet stink,
And I don’t love Congress. ”

“Oh my Lordy, it’s just that kinda mornin’,
Really was that kind of night.”

So, the two-whole-generation Bayh Dynasty in the U.S. Senate will come to an end in December. Lord only knows what buffoon the good people of the Hoosier State will next send to the World’s Most Exclusive Club. Remember, this was the same state that gave us Dan Quayle. Just sayin’.

Oh well, good riddens to Evan who, by the way, is no Birch. If only John Mellancamp would run! Bumper sticker: “Put a Cougar in the Congress!”

Maybe what really drove Sen. Bayh out of Washington was the coming annual onslaught of right-wing cheerleaders and assorted twinks know as CPAC, which stands for Cranky People Always Crying, or something like that.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more bizarre or extreme, it gets more bizarre and extreme with the introduction this year of XPAC, a new “hip” version of the Hitler Youth that will sure to have you movin’ and grovin’….if not retching and kvetching.

Well, here’s how the Faux News describes this veritable mosh-pit of political extremity:

“Outside, Lou Dobbs is waxing cranky on the country’s economic decline,” says the Faux News. “Inside, the hip crowd will be playing video games, watching movies, eating snacks and listening to rap music.”

Wow…far out, man, groovy. So, okay, when does the panty raid start at the women’s dorm?

Seriously, you just can’t make up this stuff.

The XPAC website just sizzles with exciting “hip” teases for its “Epic Nites” (sic).

“On Thursday night, Stephen Baldwin will conduct an insightful conversation between Fox News’ Andrea Tantaros and Sarah Huckabee over the future of the GOP, the ideas of conservatism, women in politics, and the outlook for the nation,” it reads. “The ’10 questions with Stevie B’ is something worth making room in your schedule for.”

Oh, and by the way, bring your own grammar. Sounds like a really swingin’ time, though, all you hep-cats and cool-daddies.

Maybe somebody will drop by, leave a quarter so they can buy a clue.

Whack-a-Dick-Mole Cheney popped up again Sunday on the Tee Vee Box.

Hey Dick! It’s Presidents’ Day weekend, not Veep Day! We don’t need you disrupting our Presidents’ Day commercials for mattress sales!

Yes, friends, that disturbance in the force we all felt yesterday was not a Canadian actually winning a gold medal at the Snowlympics but, rather, the US of A’s big Dick Cheney inflicting his face again on the national horror.

Why anyone bothers to ask Dick anything, much less do so on the Tee Vee Box, remains a mystery but there he was, once again talking about how dangerous he believes the Obama Administration to be.

He oughta know, having steered the Bush Administration down the most dangerous path this nation has seen since the Cleveland Administration was followed by the McKinley Administration.

"What the [Obama] administration was slow to do was to come to that recognition that we are at war, not dealing with criminal acts," Cheney said on ABC.

That would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic because under Cheney, the nation was led to war when what we were dealing with was criminal acts.

So, to deal with the Whack-a-Mole pop-up again, the White House dispatched Vice-President Joe Biden and the two Veeps engaged in a virtual debate only a tad more enlightened than when Biden faced Sarah Palin in the campaign.

Cheney could even be seen, muttering to himself, “say it ain’t so, Joe,” because that’s really all he’s got.

Lowering the boom on his predecessor, Biden calmly explained Cheney is either “misinformed or he is misinforming,” while circling his right ear with an extended index finger.

Okay, made up that last part.

Cheney countered by looking at the audience and saying, “be vewy, vewy, quiet…huh-huh-huh…we’re hunting wabbits!”

Meanwhile, up in temperate Vancouver the Canadians actually won a gold medal! Mogul skier Alexandre Bilodeau captured it in an event that looks for all the world like me trying to ski down a smooth hill.

And you gotta love NBC’s coverage of the Snowlympics. American hero Oyea Ohno is getting his butt kicked by three Koreans when, suddenly and through their own ineptitude, two of the three Koreans crash themselves, leaving Ohno breezing to a second place finish by sheer luck. Listening to the NBC announcers, one would have thought the US of A never had a prouder Olympic moment!

Neither of the aforementioned Korean screw-ups, by they way, was Korean skater, Ho Suk…far and way the favorite Olympic name so far.

What’s really funny is watching the athletes ski uphill in the cross-country events.