BOO!!

Ha-Ha. Scared you! No? Dang it.

Okay, then, here's something really scary:

Fundamentalist Christian evangelist Kimberly Daniels, one of papa Pat Robertson's favorites, says most of the candy you've bought to distribute to the little ghosts and goblins that'll come knockin' at your door has been prayed over by witches.

Uh-oh, that dark chocolate Snickers my girlfriend bought last night at the Savn-Lavan was really DARK chocolate?

"I do not buy candy during the Halloween season," Kimberly told us in a column on the Christian Broadcasting Network website. "Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference."

It's often said the devil is in the details but nobody – 'cept Kimberly – ever warned us about the candy corn!

That column, by the way, has since been taken down. It was, apparently, too bizarre even for the Christian Broadcasting Network…and that's sayin' sumpthin'!

"Even the colors of Halloween (orange, brown and dark red) are dedicated," she wrote. "These colors are connected to the fall equinox, which is around the 20th or 21st of September each year and is sometimes called "Mabon." During this season witches are celebrating the changing of the seasons from summer to fall. They give praise to the gods for the demonic harvest. They pray to the gods of the elements (air, fire, water and earth).

"Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest. Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs. Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers."

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight: that pun'kin I bought from the Methodists is demon possessed? I always thought there was sumpthin' suspicious about them Methodists!

Oh well…on to the truly bizarre.

Here's how Politico describes the version of the health care reform package trotted out Thursday by House of Representatives' Speaker Nancy Pelosi:

"It runs more pages than War and Peace, has nearly five times as many words as the Torah and its tables of contents alone run far longer than this story," read the Politico lede…not making this up.

"The House health care bill unveiled Thursday clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. With an estimated 10-year cost of $894 billion, that comes out to about $2.24 million per word."

Okay…well…we don't exactly pay for legislation by the word but…whatever.

Republicans, too, took issue with the comprehensive nature of the bill – this one of the most important pieces of public policy debated by the Congress in decades.

Republican Congress Joe Barton of Texas pointed out the bill "is about four reams of paper" which, he said, means the American people are getting reamed.

Really, he said that.

Scary.

Now hold there one cotton-pickin' minute, Juan Pablo Montoya!

I know you're a top NASCAR driver and all that but what's that? You never heard of Bob Griese?

Never heard of "the grease"? No. 12? The man who led the '72 Dolphins to the only undefeated season in NFL history?

Well, he's the guy who made a horribly xenophobic remark about your presence among the top NASCAR drivers, something about eating tacos while the rest of the drivers were outstanding in the field.

So, ESPN suspended Grease for a week from his duties calling college football games. Hey, Grease, there are plenty of good Columbian restaurants in Miami. Maybe you should check out a couple of them during your week off. Don't order tacos.

Meanwhile, back on the political comedy front, the right-wing blogosphere and punditry is going ape-doo-doo over the endorsement by Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich of a Republican in the New York Congressional District 23 special election to replace John McHugh who was nominated by Barack HUSSEIN Obama, the 44th President of the United States, to be Secretary of the Army.

That's right. The RWNJs are freakin' out over Newty's endorsement of a Republican. It seems Ol' Newty forgot to consult Klan headquarters first and endorsed Republican candidate Dede Scozzafava in that race.

The only problem is Scozzafava is widely regarded as a…God forbid…"moderate" Republican. You know, someone to be considered reasonable and thoughtful.

The knuckle-draggers and goose-steppers jumped all over Newty with both jack boots.

Some dude writing on some RW blog, Red State (as in embarrassed?), wrote Newty's endorsement aligned him with the dreaded precursors of the Anti-Christ: Planned Parenthood, ACORN, NARAL, SEIU and the AFL-CIO. This cat even said – before thinking again and taking it down – the Gingrich endorsement of Scozzafava "pees on the legacy of 1994."

"It is no longer about principles, ideas, ideals and integrity but the raw acquisition of power for the sake of power," wrote the dude. "He aligns with a candidate to the left of the Democrat."

They sure are comical, this bunch.

Meanwhile, speaking of comedy, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced the other day he'll push the Senate toward a health care reform bill to INCLUDE a public option health plan.

But there's a catch…gee, what a surprise from Senator Backbone. In his version of reality, Reid says states should be given the option of opting out of the public option…but just as an option.

Sure, why not? I mean poor people and working people in Republican states don't really need health care. Heck, that'll just help thin the herd.

What is it these people don't get about the moral imperative of making sure everyone gets access to decent, affordable health care?

Good morning, campers!

Ah, yes, it is almost bewitching hour; the week leading up to Halloween followed by All-Saints Day…which is sorta the American Protestant version of Mardi Gras to Ash Wednesday.

It's a freakish time when spooks and goblins inhabit the night to scare the bejesus out of all of us so we can run to church the next day. Kinda like when Congress is in session.

But I kid our elected leaders.

For some of our poorly-informed and superstitious fundamentalist Christian friends, Halloween is some sort of devil-made holiday that takes us away from our true mission: scaring the hell out of the rest of us!

Like this:

Our friend, Laffy, over at the Political Carnival blog (http://thepoliticalcarnival.blogspot.com/) , reports some so-called "pro-life" people are raising money to support the Kansas City man charged with murdering Wichita doctor George Tiller – at church.

The online auction will feature such items as a copy of The Army of God manual, which explains how to make bombs for abortion clinics even though the actual bomb-making instructions will be, er, um, redacted. Yea, that's the ticket.

"I plan to cover up the offending eight pages of bomb recipes and instead insert a note saying that in order to avoid legal problems, we advise our bomb-loving friends to seek their bomb recipes in a U.S. Army Manual, which is approved by the Justice Department," the donor said, as reported by Laffy. (Twitter: @GottaLaff)

That's sweet.

Other auction items includes original sketches by the accused Tiller murderer and a book of recipes compiled by Shelly Shannon, the Oregon woman convicted of wounding Tiller in 1993 and later convicted of bombing and setting fire to a series of abortion clinics.

Still another auction item will be an autographed copy of A Time to Kill, a book by Ohio activist Michael Bray which is described as "an ethical treatise on the use of force in defense of the child in the womb."

Confused much? Ebay tells Laffy its not sure it will allow the auction to take place. Um, yea, might wanna think about that one for a while.

There is good news, however. Mayan Elder Apolinario Chile Pixtun says all this stuff about the ancient Mayan calendar signaling the end of the world in 2012 is just another example of white folks not getting Indian traditions.

That's just not what the calendar predicts, Chile Pixtun tells The Discovery Channel.

Sure, the year is significant on the calendar but it signals a time of rebirth and renewal.

But why bother with facts when we can sell thousands of books creating hysteria?

I'll be wearing my Y2K T-shirt on December 21, 2012…just to make sure.

OMG! The Faux News cretins are going even nuttier than usual – declaring war declared upon themselves – because several officials in The White House – including POTUS, his own dang self – has suggested the Faux News Channel is…well…faux news.

Hear Getta Dam Cistern declare a declaration: "There is breaking news from the White House: war on Fox News!"

Cut to footage of an interview NOT on Faux News:

Question: Do you think it's appropriate for the White House to say what is and what is not a news organization?

The President of the United States: "We're going to take media as it comes. And if media is operating basically as a talk radio format, that's one thing. If it's operating as a news outlet that's another….but I'm not losing a lot of sleep over it."

WHAT? THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS. THEM IS FIGHTIN' WORDS. I'M SURE YOU KNOW, SIR, THIS MEANS WAR!

And it seems like such an unnecessary and needless war…much like the invasion of Iraq.

"Journalism is dead in America, except for Fox News, talk radio and the Drudge Report," said Faux News' Shame Humanity.

And, well, let's face it. The Faux News Channel has been so even-handed, fair and balanced in covering the Obama Administration.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's funny.

One friend on Twitter compared Presidential criticism and, well, mockery of the Faux News Channel to actions taken by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to shut down opposition television and radio stations.

"If you oppose him its propaganda," wrote the Twitter buddy. "We have a Bill of Rights. Freedom of speech."

Oh yea, that's right. Freedom of Speech…does that apply to the White House, too? Does the First Amendment protect shouting fire in a crowded theatre?

But, then again, Obama and Chavez did meet recently and even shake hands.

"Lord knows what went on behind close doors," observed one Faux News talking head, speaking strictly in a fair and balanced way.

Oh well, people who think Faux News is news will continue to defend the network. Everyone else will realize it for the joke it's become…always was. And loyal Faux News viewers will continue to be the most ill-informed segment of the population.

And Faux News' Gin BecksBeer will continue to predict, as he did just last week, the network will "take the administration down."

First time in U.S. history the opposition party has been a cable channel on the TeeVee Box. It's only a matter of time before OVC takes up the gauntlet.

What? What's that you say?

The health care reform plan in the House of Representatives is going to REDUCE the federal budget in the first 10 years? That's what the CBO will say today?

OMG! What's a Republican to do?

"I'm melting…what a world, what a world."

No matter. A brand new GOP congressman brags about hunting liberals even though it wastes good ammunition while South Carolina GOP leaders make Jewish folks really happy.

Is it any wonder few than one in five voters trust Republicans to lead them into the future?

So, see, there's this brand new congressman from Mississippi. His name is Gregg Harper (with two Gs) and he's a real sport, this one.

Ol' Greggy was asked by Politico, "What in the world does the Congressional Sportsmen's Caucus do?"

His answer? "We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition."

Ha-Ha. Funny. Really Funny.

("No…I kid the people I want to shoot.")

This answer came, of course, almost immediately after he said his biggest obstacle as a congressman is "finding my way around the Rayburn (House Office) Building." He's also vowed to never introduce any piece of legislation.

Maybe that's a good thing.

And over there in South Carolina, GOP leaders continue to moon the body politic…those rascals.

In defending Sen. Jim Demint (R-S.C.) against an op-ed piece in which he was criticized for not bringing home enough pork for the good people of South Carolina, two GOP county party chairman – one James Ulmer and one Edwin Merwin – opined as that is simply an unfair criticism of their fine senator and that he knows how to watch money like…well, like a Jew.

"There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves," wrote the pair. "By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation's pennies and trying to preserve our country's wealth and our economy's viability to give all an opportunity to succeed."

Needless to say, LOTS of people – Jews and Gentiles alike – were highly offended by these hack remarks and both hillbillies apologized.

What the hell? Is EVERYONE in South Carolina a redneck from a very shallow gene pool? (The answer is, "no." Just listen some time to the eloquence and wisdom of veteran lawmaker, Rep. James Clyburn, currently the House Majority Whip.)

Seriously, don't these clowns realize its bat-guano crazy crap like this that leaves less than one in five Americans having any confidence at all in the GOP's ability to make the correct decisions for America's future?

That's right. According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll only 19 percent of all Americans think the GOP has any wits at all about them while 79 percent of all Americans have absolutely no confidence in the Grand Ol' Party. Nineteen percent? Know all those kooks you're always running across on the Twitter? Yep, that's them.

One thing is for sure, though. The Vatican is suddenly confident those pesky rabble-rousin' Anglicans will rush back to the Mother Church, fleeing from…OMG….homosexuals and stuff.

That's right. Pope Benedict signed papers a couple of days ago to give Anglicans what's called "a fast track" way back into Catholicism.

King Henry VIII is spinning in his grave! Does the Vatican know Anglicans actually HAVE sex, some frequently. Oh yes, but its men having sex with other men and women having sex with other women in the Anglican Communion the Vatican thinks will bring the lost sheep back to the Roman world where grown priests have sex with little boys…and, for all we know, other sheep!

"She walks like a woman but talks like a man…oh my Lola…la-la-la-la Lola."

Whew, the National Football League survived another week without radio carnival barker and clown Douche Limpbranch as a team owner.

And, really, most people – certainly most folks associated with the NFL – are happy about this. Douche is whining, of course, and will probably continue to whine because in his world whining is what counts.

But speaking of whining, teabaggers gathered at a local Florida affiliate of NBC late last week to complain…something about canceling The Cosby Show, I think, or demanding Art Fleming be reinstated as host of Jeopardy.

No, no…wait…it was some whine associated with sour grapes because their candidate lost the last presidential election.

Nearly 100 of 'em got together to hold signs – whoa, that's a lot! – sing songs and pray (giving prayer a bad name) all in the name of intimidating NBC through a local affiliate.

"Operation Can You Hear Me Now," is what the 100 folks called their little gathering. Shouldn't they be protesting cell phone giant Verizon?

Oh well, it doesn't matter. They're just happy to be out there complaining. They just plain don't like President Obama and using some kind of strange "six degrees of separation" logic, they figure the local affiliate of NBC is as good an object of their whining as anywhere.

"Yea," you say. "People protested the actions of the Bush Administration, too."

Yes, they did. But that was tended to be about launching a war based on lies, invading another country, cutting the Constitution to ribbons, torture, dang-near ruining the national economy…you know, stuff like that.

These teabaggers protest what appears in their imagination…or, more precisely, the imagination of talking heads like Limpbranch and Gin BecksBeer and Shame Humanity on the Faux News Channel.

Among the many wonderful consequences of the First Amendment is folks everywhere in this great land have every opportunity to speak up and demonstrate ignorance. Is this a great country or what?

Finally, police agencies in Colorado are now saying the whole Balloon Boy incident on Thursday was hoax, a publicity stunt aimed at landing a reality show on the TeeVee Box for the Heene family of Ft. Collins, CO. Felony charges are pending, maybe even federal charges.

Maybe they should have just taken that overgrown Jiffy-Pop popcorn bag down to the local NBC affiliate.

BREAKING NEWS: Giant Bullwinkle J. Moose balloon spotted loose over New York City well in advance of Thanksgiving! Flying squirrel reported to be inside! Fox News reporting Russian spies involved, searching for links to Obama Administration!

We'd all like to take just a moment to publicly thank the Richard Heene family of Ft. Collins, CO., not only for its wonderful contribution to the culturally important, "Wife Swap," show on the TeeVee Box but also to taking an entire afternoon – time we'll never get back – to divert us completely from the silliness of today's political scene with an imaginative drama to attract world-wide attention.

In case you were SCUBA diving all afternoon and missed the run-away balloon incident yesterday, it's seems nearly everyone thought 6-year-old Falcon Heene had been trapped in the gondola of an experimental hot-air balloon built by his father when it escaped its backyard tether and floated – up to 8,000 feet – over the hills of eastern Colorado.

Every news organization in North America – and quite a few around the world – completely stopped all regular non-news and celebrity gossip to devote complete and undivided attention to the dramatic story of Balloon Boy. Millions of people worldwide ceased all normal operations to gaze intently as cameras aboard circling aircraft carried live video of the balloon wafting serenely above golden fields of barley and flax.

The drama only increased when the balloon – looking all the world like a big silver chef's hat – descended softly onto a recently plowed field. Authorities rushed to the scene to find NO BALLOON BOY!! OMG! HE MUST'VE FALLEN OUT! OMG!

Turns out, the boy was hiding in a box in the family's attic the whole time. Ha-Ha! Funny little rascal.

Please, can we find more diversions to keep us from real news like this:

•  A jack-legged cracker justice-of-the-peace in Louisiana denied a marriage license
   yesterday to an interracial couple. The judge said he's not a racist; he just didn't
   want children produced from such a union because he doesn't believe races
   should mix like that.

•  The National Football League said Rush Limbaugh is simply not suitable as part
   owner of the St. Louis Rams. Citing his obvious penchant for racist slurs in the past,
   the NFL said Limbaugh is just not the kind of guy who needs to own large black men.

•  Meghan McCain, daughter of former Vice-President and Torture Czar Dick Cheney
   and future of the GOP, created quite a stir on the Twitter a couple of days ago when
   she tweeted a photo of herself which exposed – partially – her rather ample
   breastesses. At least, they looked ample in the TwitPix. Embarrassed, like being
   the daughter of Dick Cheney isn't enough, young Meghan withdrew from Twitter.
   Wrote one observer, "If you put your breasts up on Twitter you're going to get
   comments." Fair enough.

•  Finally, building a "new" GOP is not going to be as easy, perhaps, as some
   Republicans would like. It seems one the Republican faithful posted a photo on the
   new GOP.com website showing a lynching back from the days when white folks did
   this to black folks with an actual rope. The strange fruit photo was tagged, "the South
   will rise again." Not sure it ever went away, sadly, just became "the southern
   strategy."