The Senate Finance Committee passes out a bill on health care reform – sorta; the GOP has a new and hilarious website; and the Nobel Committee asks Amurkan critics of the POTUS award, "are you people nuts?"

The answer is, of course, "yes." But that matters very little because, hold the presses, a Senate committee has adopted a bill and sent it on to the larger body. It's a bill, by the way, no one particularly likes except the health insurance industry. Sen. Baucus' bill envisions a world the insurance industry thinks is perfect: everyone required to buy expensive health care plans and no public option.

Poor Sen. Olympia Snowe, R-Maine, was the sole Republican to vote in favor of the committee bill. This prompted well-meaning RWNJs to immediately begin a campaign to send to her offices bags of rock salt to "melt Sen. Snowe." Nice. Real nice.

Much was made yesterday of the launch of the GOP website. It's quite spectacular, complete with features on GOP heroes. Click on a button and a tiny GOP Chairman Michael Steele pops up and dances across the screen telling us all about the "new" Republican Party and this spiffy new website. He does this – talk about the new GOP – while standing next to a photograph of GOP hero, Clara Barton.

That's right: Clara Barton, the 19th Century genuine hero who is credited with founding the Red Cross during the Civil War. Gotta love the irony now that the "new" GOP is fighting so hard to defeat any kind of health care reform.

Actually, according to the website, most of the GOP heroes come from the 19th Century. No kidding. The 20th Century GOP heroes include Jackie Robinson, Federal Judge Frank Johnson, Senators Everett Dirkson and Edward Brooke and Presidents Dwight D. Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan.

There are, apparently, no GOP heroes in the 21st Century.

Meanwhile, the Nobel Committee told the Associated Press the Amurkan right-wing nut jobs can kiss their Nobel butts and, yes, they completely and unanimously believe President Obama deserves the peace prize.

Well, okay, they didn't EXACTLY put it that way but in interviews with the AP all five members of the Nobel Committee said they have no doubt Obama deserved the award this year.

According to the AP… "He got the prize for what he has done," committee chairman Thorbjorn Jagland said. He singled out Obama's efforts to heal the divide between the West and the Muslim world and scale down a Bush-era proposal for an anti-missile shield in Europe.

"All these things have contributed to — I wouldn't say a safer world — but a world with less tension," he said. "Alfred Nobel wrote that the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year. Who has done more for that than Barack Obama?"

The Nobel Committee apparently doesn't give two hoots the Amrukan Right-Wing thinks POTUS is some kind of hippie-socialist-nazi-zoroastrian-rastafarian-baptist.

Well it's Columbus Day in the U.S. of Amurka, the day we set aside to remember when the fine indigenous people of San Salvador looked out to find white folks sitting on their beach and said,

"Yea, sure, this is India (giggle-giggle). We have your call servicing center set up right over here."

No, wait, that's not right.

This is actually the day native people all over the Americas celebrate setting up the original Department of Homeland Security to begin fighting terrorism.

The Nobel Prize for Economic Studies was awarded to two Americans, this morning, and the Amurkan Right-Wing again lost its collective breakfast…but this time because one of the recipients, Elinor Ostrom of Indiana University, is a woman.

Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard issued a statement saying Professor Ostrom should refuse the award until she can prove she's a woman.

Okay, not really. But it's not so much of a stretch, either, considering how crazy the RWNJs continue to be over the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama.

The Faux News reported Sunday "a raft" of pundits used the Sunday news shows to batter the Nobel Committee. A "raft of pundits" was, by the way, the usual round-up of Faux News talking heads. And a raft is exactly where they find themselves, isolated and floating on a sea of crocodile tears and sour grape mash.

Oh yea,…along with the Taliban and Iran, which also condemned the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama.

"I think that everybody is laughing," said radio carnival barker Douche Limpbranch on Friday.

"Our president is a worldwide joke. Folks, do you realize something has happened here that we all agree with the Taliban and Iran about and that is he doesn't deserve the award. Now that's hilarious, that I'm on the same side of something with the Taliban, and that we all are on the same side as the Taliban."

Okay, so now we're clear: Limpbranch and others are on the same side as the Taliban. Okay, got it.

Kristol called the Nobel Committee, "an anti-American" committee for awarding the prize to an American president. Sure, makes sense.

It's a wonder anyone pays attention to these buffoons at all.

STOP THE PRESSES – if any are still rolling!

The President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, has won the Nobel Peace Prize!

Yes, that's right. Only nine months into the job, President Obama has become only the third sitting President of the United States to win the world's most prestigious honor.

President Theodore Roosevelt was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1906 and President Woodrow Wilson on 1919. President Jimmy Carter was awarded the prize in 2002 for his unparalleled efforts to bring peace following his tenure in the White House. Former Vice-President Al Gore won the prize two years ago for his efforts to educate the world about the potential for climate change.

Initial reaction out of the Obama White House this morning: "Wow," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

According to press reports, the Nobel Committee awarded the prize to Obama for his "vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons," and for his, "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

It's an extraordinary honor, to be sure.

Ironically, however, small minds and pin heads all over Right-Wing Amurka are exploding as we speak.

Exactly one week after Right-Wing Amurka loudly and joyously proclaimed the world rejected Obama because the International Olympic Committee sent the 2016 games to Rio, the Nobel Committee tells those same curmudgeons to sit down, please, and be quiet.

But they won't.

You can hear 'em already:

"I keep looking up and out my window waiting for it to start raining frogs," came an early post on the InnerTubes.

"George W. Bush should've won Peace Prize. Exhibit A: Unprecedented African Financial Aid & Relief," came another.

"Wish I could go back to sleep. This ruins my whole week," muttered a third.

"Of course, a Nobel Prize is not nearly as exciting as having a pair of shoes whipped at your head," surmised someone else.

"Nobel Prize Math: marketing campaign + socialism - achievement = Nobel Prize," Ooh, nice math.

And, of course, this is inevitable:

"I guess I'll have to be the one to say it... Why'd Obambi win the Nobel Peace prize? 'Cause he's a freak NEGRO, that's why!"

Excuse, sir, but exactly in which century do you actually live?

"OB won peace prize for destroying USA: one piece at a time," shouted another confused Amurkan.

"They like giving it to retards. Don't forget Al Gore got it for gaining 300 pounds in a year." That was just tacky.

Finally, one brave soul posted among the pathetic:

"If you find yourself saying, "those Nobel people are screwed up," it's time to re-examine your life."

'Nuff said.

Congratulations, Mr. President!

Everyone is well aware of the HUGE problem we have today:

Yes, that's right. The Bible – the Holy Scripture; words of instruction and reverence for Jews (at least the first half) and Christians – is just WAY too liberal!

Thank God, the nice young men over at Conservapedia have decided to fix this.

"Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations," explains the Conservapedia page announcing the Conservative Bible Project.

Conservapedia, in case you're wondering, is a conservative version of Wikipedia, the popular and populist online encyclopedia written and edit by everyone with a keyboard and Internet connection. These young men started Conservapedia because they found Wikipedia way too liberal.

These nice young men see three basic liberal errors in modern Bible translation:

• Lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new
   concepts introduced by Christ.
• Lack of precision in modern language; and
• Translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.

And by "original language," they mean the language found in the original King James Version. You know, the one Moses and Jesus sat down and wrote together.

All that "love your neighbor as yourself" and "turn the other cheek" stuff just has to go, say these nice young men.

Fortunately for them, they're getting lots and lots of help for this project. Why only yesterday the Twitscape (that imaginary Ethernet land populated on the social network Twitter by people called the Twitteratti) was all abuzz with suggestions for rewriting the Bible to make it more, well, useful for conservatives who may not want to be bothered with thinking Jesus aligned himself with the poor and outcast.

"It's easier for a rich man to enter Heaven. Period," came one suggested revision.

"Love thy neighbor as thou shalt love thy campaign manager's wife," came another.

"And lo Jesus saw they were ready to stone the woman to death, and Jesus shouteth, 'Let the games begin!'" came still another.

"Let the free market solve its problems on its own. Screw the poor." A favorite.

"I tell you, Peter, before the cock crows, you will be denied 3 times for preexisting conditions."

"I know I forgot to mention this ever but gay people freak me out. Seriously."

"Thou shalt not steal unless thou art richer than those thou steals from."

"Before the people of Israel would follow Moses out of Egypt they demanded to see his birth certificate."

"And he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan asked for ID and proof of citizenship."

Well, you get the idea. Any of you among the Twitteratti who missed this can simply go to the hashtag #conservativebible for all the feeds. If you're not among the Twitteratti, you may find yourself burning in a lake of fire and clean coal!

Good thing Jesus is alive today. Otherwise, he'd be rolling over in his grave.

It's good to finally have this resolved.

It was a bit scary having the Republican Party flounder without a true leader.

Thank God and George Bush, Glenn Beck has finally emerged as that leader. Oh sure, you thought for a while it was going to be Rush Limbaugh but, no, Glenn Beck's push in recent weeks, which put him on the cover of Time Magazine in a lovely photograph, has catapulted his propaganda to the top of the GOP ladder.

This is a man around whom we can rally…several thousand of us!!

Oh sure, Limbaugh may be the leader of the intellectual wing of the GOP – you know, being on loan from God and all that – but Beck's leadership strikes to the soft entrails, the visceral, the core being of all those who fear anything they don't already know or understand.

And that's the kind of leader we need.

The assumption of his leadership only became clearer at the end of the week as he – and others to a much lesser extent – cheered as America lost its Olympic bid. Who needs those silly old Olympics, anyway, with all their foreigners sweating all over a nice stadium?

"Enjoy this, savor this moment," he effused as Chicago was eliminated from contention for the Olympics.

We saw Beck's real leadership started to emerge a few months ago when he called the President of the United States a racist and pointed out the first African-American elected to the White House has a deep, abiding hatred for white people. This, my friends, is the intellectually honest way we solve problems.

Limbaugh, taken aback by the upstart surge, doubled the blood pressure by increasingly telling his audience (the same folks who listen to Beck) that black folks all over America are rising up.

Confederate flags all across this great land knew not in which direction to fly.

Beck's leadership skills continue to shine through in many other ways.

America needs leadership that will suggest poisoning the Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives! This is the TeeVee Box host who compared to Thomas Jefferson the lonely, deranged old man who shot up Washington's Holocaust Museum.

"Get off my phone you little pinhead!" he shouted to a caller.

That's the kind of leadership we need!

"The pudgy buzz-cut, weeping phenomenon of radio, TV and books," as Time Magazine described him. "Beck is 45, tireless, funny, self-deprecating, a recovering alcoholic, a convert to Mormonism, a libertarian living with ADHD."

Limbaugh can only dream now of GOP leadership. With Beck firmly in control of the Republican message, we can look forward to it attracting – finally – a good 15 to 20 percent of the population.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the WWE!"

Oh, no, wait…that's wrong. This is the Congress. It's a little hard to tell the difference, these days.

"Uh-oh, it looks like Congressman Joe Wilson is bringing a chair from the crowd into the ring."

"And, now, Congressman Alan Grayson has grabbed the ring microphone…"

PA-LEESE, people, can SOMEONE honestly debate heath care? Anybody remember how 47 million Americans don't have adequate health care? Anybody realize what a moral blight it is upon our collective national soul for nearly 45,000 people to die each because they can't get adequate health care?

Okay…doesn't matter. What matters is, by golly, we show the other party to be bad…bad, I tell you!

Lot of folks were indignant that some rude backwater congressman from South Carolina would shout, "you lie," at the President of United States while he was addressing a joint session of Congress. That backwater congressman happened to be a Republican and the Democrats – in charge of the House of Representatives – publicly rebuked him and adopted a resolution calling him a rude, backwater congressman.

But just a couple of days ago, the Republican got their chance to smack back when another backwater congressman, Rep. Alan Grayson of Florida, took to an empty House floor to describe the Republicans' approach to health care.

"The Republican health-care plan for America: don't get sick," Grayson said. "The Republicans have a backup plan in case you do get sick…if you get sick, America, the Republican health-care plan is this: die quickly! That's right; the Republicans want you to die quickly if you get sick."

But Congressman Grayson may have been wrong. We're pretty sure the Republican plan of "don't get sick or die quickly" is really just for the poor and people of color. But we'll check on that.

Okay, okay…maybe Congressman Grayson was a little overly dramatic but he does, after all, represent Walt Disney World in the U.S. Congress.

Nevertheless, Republicans became enraged and demanded Grayson be treated exactly the way Congressman Wilson was treated a couple of weeks ago: by being made to stand at the blackboard and write 100 times, "I will be respectful…I will be respectful." After which he was duct-taped to the flagpole.

Oh well, claims of death-panels and killing Grandma aside, the Republicans are simply happy to have an equally buffooned Democrat at which they can throw chairs.

And speaking of throwing chairs, right-wing crazies on the TeeVee Box tried to throw one this week but it ended up turning into a boomerang and smackin' 'em up side of the head.

Some reactionary named Andrew Barkbite, a sauna buddy of Matt Sludge, put up a video on his web page claiming those dastardly community organizers with the Gamaliel Foundation in Chicago (where POTUS once worked as a young Columbia grad). Barkbite claimed the video showed the community organizers offering prayers to President Obama. The audio was poor but Barkbite put up subtitles in which he claimed the prayers were: "deliver us Obama…hear our cry Obama."

"They're mocking God," immediately screamed TeeVee Pinhead Gin BecksBeer.

Yea...the only problem, of course, is in the muddled video the Gamaliel faithful are praying, "deliver us, oh God…hear our cry, oh God."

Oh God…not Obama. Oh…Nevermind.

Barkbite was forced to clarify on his website. BecksBeer and Lou Muddobbers were forced to just sit there, looking sillier than usual.

And speakin' of that TeeVee Box, how 'bout that Dave Letterman, eh? When Dave says he's creating a new staff position, he really means he's creating a new staff position.

Let's just hope the Congress gets serious soon and doesn't do to us what Dave's been doing to his staff.